Draco's hunger
by princey
Summary: Adventures in plot devices with Draco and Harry, mostly Draco. includes an all slash parody chapter, DM/LM, DM/RW, DM/Crabbe, DM/SS, DM/HP, DM/strange man with bad hair, HP/SMWBH. The slash is mostly DM/HP. they're enemies with benefits.
1. the search

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Well, I do own a few things, such as a bed, a lamp, some books, some records, a stereo, some stuffed animals, a few shelves, several mirrors, some makeup, some candy left over from my birthday and Easter, two guitars, an amp and a half, a microphone, three rugs, some floss, a few backpacks (one smells like old cheese – for good reason), a cat (although, who really owns a cat), some posters, a Sid Vicious action figure, a couple DVD's, a box of Kleenexes, a chest of drawers, some paintings, a desk, a few writing utensils, Jeff, some clothes, a few sketch books, the script to a movie I'm writing, some photos, some drawings I did, some blankets (I still sleep with five blankets – counting the sheet – event though it's the middle of June) and a few more things.

A/N: this starts when Draco is at home on summer break. Because the area for the summary is so small, I will now give you a brief list of some of the things that are included in this sparkling example of literature… creepy, greasy Snape; voyeuristic, sweet-loving Dumbledore; a witty friend of Draco's name Henry (briefly so as not to be a Gary Stu); Draco turns into a girl for a little while; the chapters get longer; Draco spends large amounts of page space insulting such things as Dudley, Neville and a mirror; Draco is rather vain; Christmas break at the Malfoy's with Draco, Harry, Henry, Ron and Hermione; Draco and Harry sort of become boyfriends; Draco is raped by Lucius and Snape (in a humorous way); slash with many; Neville's a moron; Narcissa is drug-addled and so much more. 

Draco woke up one morning feeling a mite peckish. He stood up, went to the mirror and began to comb his thin, blonde hair lovingly. An hour later, when he finished styling his "Draco Locks," he went to the fridge and saw that there was nothing to eat, "Oh man!" he said unhappily, "And I really wanted a sandwich." He stood there for awhile, gazing into the cavernous depths of the empty fridge. 

Soon his father, Lucius, walked over and said, "Draco, shut the refrigerator, you're wasting electricity." 

"Sorry father."

"You'll never amount to anything, son."

"Yes…I have to go." Draco quickly exited the room and found himself in the hall, pressed up with his back against a wall, breathing heavily. "Oh why doesn't my father love me? He gives me everything but not out of love, only to show off his fabulous wealth. Oh God, I want a sandwich so much." He ran from the house as quickly as he could and started for the sandwich store. 

As he was running along the road he saw the gardener standing around so he yelled, "Get to work you flubbering phalange!" 

Draco continued running and soon he reached the sandwich store. "Get me an egg salad!" he gasped. 


	2. oh the pain!

"We're all out of egg salad," said the man in charge of sandwich dispersal.

"Oh," said Harry Potter, "That's _too _bad."

"Shut up Potter," responded Draco, thinking to himself, 'Oh I'm so hungry, why don't they have my favorite kind of sandwich? I bet my father bought them all, just to spite me.'

"Malfoy," said Harry, whose presence had been forgotten by Draco, "I suppose you'll just have to eat a regular sandwich, like the rest of us."

"Gaa! I'll never be like the rest of you! Never!" He ran nimbly away from the sandwich store and on to the next one. 

When Draco entered the other sandwich vendor he was so busy searching for an egg salad sandwich that he failed to notice that Harry Potter had followed him in. 

"Draco," said Harry, "I shall cause you great pain with my wand of doom. Whiz bang! Whiz bang!" Unfortunately for Harry, although not for Draco, he wasn't holding a wand so Draco didn't experience any pain whatsoever. 

"Oh _very_ cunning, Potter," he said sarcastically. 


	3. dumbledore's plot twist

"Yes, cunning, more cunning than you'll ever know!"

"I _will _never know because you'll never show me."

"Oh yeah?" replied Harry. However, Draco had already gone on to the next sandwich supplier. This made Harry feel uncomfortably sad although he didn't know why. (a/n ohhhh foreshadowing!) He ran after Draco at a discrete distance so that he would not be noticed.

When Draco reached the next store he ordered his egg salad sandwich and found that they did indeed supply them. As he was eating it Harry burst into the store and then casually walked over to a table and sat down. Draco stared at him for a few moments and then said, "Potter, have you been following me to each store?"

"No…"

"Yes you have. There's no other explanation." 

"Alright, I have."

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why?"

"I don't know. I just don't know."

"Ok…Don't you have anywhere to be? Why aren't you with the Dursleys?" 

"I sneaked out, I'm pretty daring now that I'm 16, eh?" 

Draco laughed and said, "I have to admit, I thought you had no sense of humor but that _was_ a good one. Daring! Hahaha." 

Harry wasn't sure what the joke was so he just chuckled uncomfortably and said, "Yes, so…school starts in a week. That's exciting."

"Umm. Potter, are you trying to make _conversation._" 

"No…well, yes." 

"I have to go." 

__

Later that week, at Hogwarts, Draco unpacks…

Draco was standing around in his room unpacking when Dumbledore walked in. "Ah, Draco," said the old, old man, "I've thought of an amusing, yet not very surprising, twist in the plot."

"Oh?"

"I've decided that you and Potter fight too much…"

"But we haven't fought once this year!"

"But I know you will, anyway, I've decided that you two will share a room."

"But we're not even in the same house."

"I can change rules to suit the plot."

"Oh, you," said Draco, shaking his fist, "Wait 'til my father finds out."

"I can tell him if you want but that wouldn't be very good for the plot…"

"Fine! But I'll get you. One day when I'm rich and…rich you'll rue the day you made me live with Potter!" 

Dumbledore chuckled and left.

* * *

Soon Harry Potter walked in and put his suitcase on the bed opposite Draco's and began to unpack. The whole time Draco stood leaning against a wall, scowling at him.

"Will you stop staring at me?" Harry said, not sure if that was what he really wanted. He looked over at Draco and took in the details of the face with its pale skin, eyes and hair. 'Mmmm…' he thought, though not in reference to Draco, he was just really hungry and had started thinking about hostess cupcakes. 

"Now who's staring?" asked Draco, pointedly. 

"I wasn't imagining you naked! I was thinking about cupcakes."

Draco raised his eyebrows and left the room, gracefully Harry noted. 


	4. draco offends snape, but not potter

Later, in potions class, the students were learning an _unbelievably _boring potion. "Oh this is _so_ boring!" said Draco, rolling his eyes.

"Oh really?" asked Snape, raising his greasy eyebrows, "Perhaps we could find something more exciting for you to do."

"Please."

"Very well. Here," he held out a long stick, "Why don't you poke at Potter with this for awhile."

"But professor! I didn't do anything," Harry protested, "It's not fair!" 

"Life isn't fair."

"Actually," began Draco, "I don't really want to, it just seems rather moronic."

Snape looked incredibly put out, "Fine," he said. Then, "Potter."

"Yes?"

"Detention."

Harry was about to argue but class ended before he could. As they were leaving Harry said to Draco, "Thanks for not jabbing me."

Draco glanced at him and said, "Oh don't look so grateful, it's not like I want to be your friend."

"Yes, well, I—." But Draco was already gone.

A/N: the next chapter has "slash" (kind of) (based in real life)


	5. the ice incident

A/N: this chapter (especially the ice scene) is based on something that happened to me a couple weeks ago.

A few hours later, when Harry was in detention, Draco was sitting around in their room, trying to build a birdhouse, "Oh stupid, warped wood!" he muttered. As he was muttering he heard a knock on the door and so he went to go answer it. When he opened the door he was surprised to find Professor Snape standing on the other side.

"Hello Draco," said Snape menacingly, "May I come in?"

"Ok…" However, it was a mistake to let him in because as soon as the door was closed Snape pointed his wand at Draco. This caused the pale, blonde person in question to be pinned to the bed and unable to move. "What the _hell_ are you doing?" asked Draco, trying to lift his arm.

"I didn't appreciate your attempts to embarrass me in class today."

"I don't know what you're talking about," replied Draco, giving Snape his best look of disgust. 

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, calling my plans moronic! How do you think that makes me feel?"

"I don't really care."

Snape walked over to the bed and began to undo Draco's pants.

"What are you doing? Stop!"

"One more word and I'll take one hundred points from Slytherin." He pointed his wand at the bed and said, "Banafar!" as if by magic a bucket of ice appeared. 

Draco was doing his best to look very bored.

Snape picked up a handful of ice and placed it in Draco's pants. Then he put another handful on Draco's chest, under his shirt. He continued doing this for awhile.

At first Draco didn't think that it felt very bad, he just thought Snape was being a little bit ridiculous. However, after a little while he realized how cold ice could be; it hurt rather badly.

Snape was delighted to see the delicate, pale body writhing around, unable to get the painful ice off.

After about an hour Snape began to walk towards the door. As he was leaving Harry walked in and looked surprised and then disappointed to see his least favorite professor. He stepped into the room, hearing the click of the door as Snape left. Harry was astonished to see Draco on the bed, wet and not completely clothed. He raised his eyebrows and said, "Well, Malfoy, I can see now why you're Snape's favorite."

Draco glared at Harry as he struggle off the bed and stumbled into the bathroom. He looked in the mirror and noticed how red the now numb skin was. He began to peel off his wet clothes. When he finished pulling his shirt off he turned and saw Harry standing in the doorway, staring at him, "What do you want?" he asked.

"Nothing, it's just…" Harry laughed, "You're such a whore. I mean, sure, good grades are important…but come on!"

"I don't owe you an explanation, Potter." Draco shut the bathroom door. 


	6. ron's strange smell, perceptible only to...

Harry was feeling a little bit disturbed by the events he had just witnessed so he decided to go to bed. He was just getting into bed when a completely naked Draco walked into the room "What?" asked Harry, "Is it your habit to just walk around naked? Because if so I'd like to try harder to get a new room."

"My clothes are in here."

"No snappy comeback?"

"I'm going to bed." Draco got into bed and went to sleep.

Harry lay awake for awhile, thinking about what could be causing Draco's change of mood. 'Maybe that birdhouse he's been working on is giving him trouble,' he thought, 'Or maybe he's just trying to keep me on my toes.' Feeling satisfied, Harry fell asleep. 

The next morning Draco woke up feeling refreshed. Then he remembered his meeting with Snape the day before and felt somewhat less refreshed.

Harry, who was already dressed, said, "Well, I'm off to breakfast so I'll see you in Potions. Try not to make out with Snape during class…that would be so embarrassing for you." 

Just then the door swung open and Ron Weasley burst into the room, tripping over a random rock on the floor. "Harry! It's time for breakfast!" he said as he struggled to his feet. 

"Yes Ron, I know. I was just on my way."

"Please go," said Draco, "You're _friend_ is making the room smell strange."

"How can you tell?" Ron asked, completely mystified.

There was a long pause in which Draco stared at Ron with disgust. 


	7. the truth is revealed, or is it?

As Ron, Hermione and Harry were enjoying their breakfast Ron kept fidgeting about.

"Ron! Will you quit fidgeting!" said Hermione. 

Ron stopped fidgeting and then turned to Harry and said, "Harry, you seem very distant this morning. Is there something wrong?"

"Oh, I can't hide anything from you! You've caught me, I was thinking about Draco." 

"Really?! Why??" 

"Well, I don't know if I should tell you…"

"What ever you think is best," said Hermione.

"Fine! I'll tell you! Last night I found evidence to support the theory that maybe Draco does a little _extra_ to get on Snape's good side."

"What do you mean?" asked Ron, "Like extra assignments?"

"Well, not exactly…more like things involving beds and very little clothing and, for some reason, ice."

"Oh dear!" cried Hermione, "But then, it is _Draco_ I mean what do you expect?"

"Yes," said Harry, "But he's been acting so weird lately, I mean, _look_ at him."

They all turned and looked at Draco, who instead of being surrounded by his usual entourage, was sitting alone. 

"You see, first I thought he was just upset about that birdhouse he's been working on but I saw it this morning and it was looking beautiful! I mean, he would have no reason to be upset about it." 

"Maybe…" began Hermione, "…Maybe he's upset about the Snape thing."

"What do you mean?" asked Harry, completely lost.

"Well, perhaps he didn't want to do _things_ with Snape. Maybe it was all Snape's idea, let's not forget, we don't like Snape either." 

"Yes…you may be on to something." Without warning Harry jumped up and ran over to Draco. "Draco," he said when he got there, "My friends and I were just discussing what you did with Snape last night and—."

"Hold on! You were discussing _my _personal business? With your disgusting friends?"

"Well, yes but…"

"I don't want to hear it! I understand that you don't like me but _really_ Potter! This is ridiculous!"

"Anyway," said Harry, ignoring Draco's outrage, "I've decided that maybe I was too hard on you, I mean, I don't know for sure that you were a willing participant in the…ah…you know."

"The what? Sex? Because that's not what it was." 

"What?" Harry dodged a random person flying through the air in a very small, pointless helicopter, "Why didn't you say so?"

"Because, like I said before, I don't owe you an explanation." 

"I see." 

"Then why are you still standing there?"

"I don't know!" Harry ran away, in tears for no reason at all.


	8. draco's new friend

Later that afternoon Harry was sitting around throwing darts at Ron's head. Even though Ron's back was turned, you'd think he'd be annoyed by the dart throwing. This, however, was not the case as Harry was really horrible at darts and kept on missing. This meant that Ron had no idea that Harry was even throwing the darts. 

All this changed when he turned around, "Harry! What are you doing?" asked Ron when he noticed that Harry was throwing darts at his head. 

"Nothing," said Harry.

"You two are complete morons," remarked Hermione.

Just then Draco walked by and said, "Potter, what exactly were you aiming for when throwing the darts?"

"Ron's head," replied Harry, sheepishly.

Draco smirked and then walked away suavely. (A/N: readers of my _Clark and_ _Lex_ will appreciate the use of the word suave…hopefully)

"Oh that Draco is so suave…" sighed Harry.

"What was that?" asked Ron.

"I didn't say anything."

"Yes you did! You called Draco suave! I can't believe this! Gaa! I'm so disgusted!"

"Calm down," said Harry," I didn't _say_ that, I said that he's a _snob._" 

Ron frowned.

Just then something really terrible happened. No one is sure what because it was erased from memory like a really bad drunken night. 

* * * 

The next morning Harry woke up to find Draco passed out on the floor wearing the same clothes as the night before. "What were you doing last night, Malfoy?"

"Making a _really_ delightful sandwich, you should have been there," replied Draco, sarcastically.

"I see…" said Harry, not at all convinced. 

Just then some guy walked in and said, "Draco, are you going to lie about on the floor all day? I thought you were going to show me around, you don't want me to be bored, do you? You never know what I might do, where I might go…"

"Yes, yes I'll be right there."

"Who's that?" asked Draco's friend, looking at Harry with disdain.

"Harry Potter," said Draco, frowning.

"Hmm," said the friend and they left.


	9. henry is disturbed by the nasty

A/N: the cleaning scene and the dancing scene in the next chapter are concepts thought of by my friend Kyle

Draco and his friend, Henry, walked down the hall and into another hall. After walking in this hall they walked into another hall, "These halls are fantastic," said Henry. 

Finally they came up to a door and Draco tried to open it but it was locked, "_Unlockticus!" _he said and the door opened. 

They walked in and seeing how boring the room was Henry said, "If I wanted to be somewhere this boring I would be vacationing in the country with a package of licorice and some string."

Draco frowned at his friend's strange statement and said, mock sadly, "Yes. So, it's nice that you transferred to Hogwarts, I need some one to help defend me against Potter and his friends." 

"Well, I should think so, I don't know what I would do if I had to live with some one with such messy hair."

Draco noticed the time and said, "We're late for Potions."

"Let's go," said Henry, then, "Run Draco! Run!"

When the two of them reached class it had already started. Draco and Henry went and sat down and Snape pretended not to notice that they were late. Draco soon began to fall asleep on his desk but looked up abruptly when Snape said, "Potter, I want you to come up here and help me demonstrate for the class how to do the nasty."

"What?!" asked Henry, "What kind of 'unique' teaching style is this?"

"What are you talking about Henry?" asked Snape.

"Well," he replied, "It's pretty creepy that you'd want to do that in front of the class, I mean, come on, that's got to be illegal."

"All I wanted was for Potter to demonstrate with me how this potion can clean bathrooms…you know, do the nasty—clean a bathroom."

Henry looked uncomfortable but said, "Ok…continue." 


	10. dancing and weeping

Draco was just as disturbed as Henry was about the strange way to describe cleaning a bathroom but he didn't say anything, as he was very tired. Harry went up to the front of the room and cleaned a tiny bathroom model using only one drop of potion. Draco thought this was a little bit silly and said, "Why on earth would we need to know how to clean a bathroom? That's what _other_ people are for." 

"Yes, yes," said Snape, "But _some _people may find that it will come in handy later in life." Ron noticed that Snape was staring directly at him when he said this. 

"I suppose," conceded Draco, chuckling sinisterly. 

Class went on for about fifteen more minutes and Snape began to wrap up the subject of bathroom cleaning. When he finished wrapping it up he said, "Now, Potter cone up to the front of the room one more time."

"Alright," sighed Harry. 

When he got to the front of the room Snape said, "Now dance with me."

"What?" asked Harry, he was beginning to regret waking up that morning.

"We need to show the class a new dance I made up."

"Why?" Harry wanted to know.

"Yes, professor," said Henry, "Why?"

"I don't know!" said Snape and burst into tears.

Harry began to back away slowly worrying that if he disturbed the man any further it could bring disaster. 

Henry looked around with an amused expression on his face and then said, "I say, Draco, does this sort of thing happen often at your school?"

"Not too often," was the reply, "But then, Snape has been acting strangely lately."

"Hmm…" Henry pondered, "And has his hair _always_ been so greasy?" 

"Yes, unfortunately. I often find it difficult to sit through class feeling thoroughly disturbed by his lack of hair hygiene." 

"Stop talking about me as if I'm not here!" cried Snape and then ran into his office, sobbing.

That was too much for Henry and he started laughing quite a bit. Finally, when he was able to talk, he said, "That was just _too_ amusing. I wish I had come to Hogwarts years ago. It's not every day that you get to see a young person with very messy hair make an absurd professor with greasy hair cry."


	11. novelty candycane

After class Draco and Henry decided to sneak off to a sandwich store, as Draco's old craving for an egg salad sandwich had come back. They were walking down some secret hallway when they saw Harry, Ron and Hermione coming from the opposite direction. "Oh look," said Henry to Draco, looking at Harry, "It's your friend with the strange fashion sense."

Ron said, "What are you doing in the forbidden hallway Draco?"

Draco stared at him in disbelief for a moment and then said, "I could ask you the same question."

Realizing his mistake, Ron said, "Yes…we'll just be going."

As the three Gryffindors were walking away Draco said loudly, "Well, Henry, as you can see Hogwarts is available for enrollment to many people, poor people, muggle borns and people who just don't know how to dress." 

"Fascinating," replied Henry. They began to walk down the hallway some more and Henry said, "Wow, Hogwarts sure has a lot of halls, I feel like I've spent the majority of my day in one hall or another." 

"Yes…" said Draco, he was distracted because he noticed a sign on a door that said, 'Tabasco for Freaks.' He had no idea what this could mean and he said to Henry, "I have no idea what that sign means."

"Maybe we should go find out." And find out they did.

Draco cautiously opened the door and they peered inside. They were astonished to find Professor Snape standing in the corner wearing a Santa costume and trying to beat a first year boy named Staphny with a large, plastic novelty candy cane. 

"Good God! Professor, what are you doing?" asked Draco, wanting to vomit.

"How did you find my secret room?" asked Snape. 

"I think that's beside the point, what are you doing to poor Staphny?" said Draco. 

"I've never known you to have such concern for your fellow student."

"It's not concern for him so much as a strong desire to beat you senseless for your creepyness. I mean, this is just down right disturbing! I'm reporting you to Dumbledore."

"No!" said Snape, "I'll be sacked."

Henry, who had been leaning against a wall with his eyebrows raised watching the scene unfold with mild amusement, said, "Wait, Draco, don't report him just yet. Wouldn't you like to have some _useful information_ on Snape? It could really come in handy one day."

"You're right," said Draco, pondering Henry's statement. "Well, Snape, why don't you let Staphny go and I'll let you alone…for now."

"Ok," Snape conceded, forlornly. 


	12. capillary and christmas plans

Draco and Henry left Snape's secret room and went out of Hogwarts to a sandwich store. "I feel like a vegetable sandwich," said Draco.

"What happened to egg salad?" asked Henry. 

"Well, I don't know. I guess I'm just in more of a vegetable mood."

"I see." When they got in the store they tried to avoid looking at all the meat sitting around on the shelves. "Can you imagine eating something that filthy?" asked Henry.

"Well, I can imagine but it doesn't make me very happy."

"I have an idea," Henry looked very happy about his idea, "Let's heckle people who buy meat sandwiches. Especially ham."

"Ok." They sat down and began to heckle the next person who came in, buying a turkey sandwich. After heckling for awhile Draco said, "We should go back to school before we get caught. If my father found out that I skipped classes he would positively _murder_ me."

"Yes, let's go." They walked out of the store and began the short journey back to school. 

As they were walking a guy their age ran over to them and yelled excitedly, "Hey Capillary!"

Draco curled his lip, looked the boy up and down disapprovingly and said, "And who is Capillary."

"Oh," said Henry, "That's me…it was my nickname at my old school, in Liechtenstein. I never much cared for that nickname," then turning to the excited person, he said, "Hello, Womby, how's it going?"

"Well," replied the strangely monikered boy. 

"Good."

Then there was a long, awkward pause, finally broken when Draco said, "So…you went to school in Liechtenstein?" 

"Yes," said Henry and Womby in unison.

"I hate you Capillary!" said Womby, absurdly.

"What? Why?" was Henry's reply.

"I'll never tell!" Womby ran away.

"That was weird," said Draco as they continued their walk to Hogwarts."

"Yes."

"Maybe I should start calling you Capillary."

Henry glared at him.

"Or Capi. Wouldn't that be delightful. So, Christmas break is coming up soon."

"It is? Didn't the school year just start."

"Probably, but we need something to keep the plot moving."

"Ah." 

"So…maybe do you want to come over."

"I was hoping you would ask. I hate to think of spending break with my family. One can only take so many minutes of literally insane relatives and not go crazy oneself." 

"Yes, well I'm sure you'll find my family wildly entertaining what with them not being around ever. Although you can always count on my father to pop up at odd moments to tell me that I'll never amount to anything."

"Sounds like fun," as he said this he tripped over a really large twig and fell into a small ravine.

"Yes…" Draco ran over to help Henry out of the ravine. 


	13. lucius is disappointed

About a week later Draco and Henry arrived at the Malfoy manor. "This is my house," said Draco. 

"Obviously," replied Henry.

They walked inside and Henry looked around and commented on the delightful interior, "This interior is delightful."

"A bit dreary."

"But it's better that way."

"Oh I agree." 

"So, where is everyone."

"I don't know. I expect Father's at work and Mother's off at a party."

"At this time of day?" It was about nine o'clock a.m.

"Well, maybe a morning garden tea knitting quilting party."

"Your mother knits and quilts?"

"Not well."

"I see." They stood around for a few moments until a house elf appeared to take their things. "Ahhh! What is that thing?" asked Henry when he saw the house elf.

"Haven't you ever seen a house elf?"

"No, I had heard about them but Mother and Father don't keep any and they aren't very popular in Liechtenstein so I never saw them at school either."

"Well, you should count yourself lucky, the only reason we have them is because Father is too miserly to pay proper humans. I don't think I'd mind house elves if it weren't for their terrible grammar, it can be quite grating."

"I don't know how you stand it. If there's one thing that makes me want to kill myself it's bad grammar."

"Yes. Follow me." Draco brought Henry to a guest bedroom and said, "You can sleep here." 

"Wonderful." Henry walked over to the bed, sat down and then stood up again. "Excellent," he remarked.

"Would you like me to show you around?" asked Draco.

"No, last time you showed me around somewhere I ended up nearly passing out because of all the hallways."

"Well then, I'm going to take a shower."

"Have fun." 

Draco walked out of the room and down an absurdly long hallway. Finally he reached his room and went inside. He looked about the room briefly and then walked into the adjoining bathroom. He took a long shower and then walked into his room, wearing only a towel, to find his father standing in the room. "Oh," he said, blinking, "Hello Father."

"Hello Draco. I just popped by to tell you that you'll never amount to anything, your grades are terrible, your quidditch team is losing far to often and you're basically a spectacular failure, in my eyes, that is…"

Draco thought he was finished but it was not to be.

"…And a Father's eyes are what should matter to a son who wants to achieve his full potential in life. You never know what challenge might appear and you want to be prepared for them. Failing constantly will not help this. Why, when I was your age I was top of my class and I never let anything stand in my way when trying to achieve, that's how I became the man I am today."

"And, Father," Draco interrupted, "You _know_ how much I want to please you and become just like you." 

"I don't like your tone. Don't be sarcastic with me, it might be amusing to speak like that to your friends but not me," and then just incase Draco had forgotten who was speaking to him he said, "Your father."

"I don't know what you're talking about. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get dressed."

"Yes…" Lucius left the room and began walking down that same old absurdly long hallway. 'Why did my ancestors make this hallway so long?' he thought to himself, 'It's not as if it serves some purpose, I think they were just trying to make the house look bigger on the outside and didn't think to just add more rooms.' He continued walking but his stroll was soon interrupted by a random teenager running into him. "And who are you?" he asked.

"I'm Henry," said Henry.

"What are you doing in my house," Lucius was becoming extremely put out.

"I'm here for Christmas holiday with Draco."

"Oh." Lucius walked away angrily.


	14. dinner and plot devices

After running into Lucius, Henry continued walking and soon found himself in Draco's bedroom. "Hello Draco," he said. 

"Hello," said Draco, putting on his shirt.

"So I ran into your father…what's with the hallway. It's so long."

"I don't know, it's a little absurd. Oh," he said looking at his clock, "It's about time for dinner."

"I'll go wash up. I'll be at the table in five minutes unless I get lost. Oh, by the by, how's your birdhouse coming along? I noticed that you were working on that at school, it's looking beautiful."

"Thank you, yes it's going very well although it's amazing that I can concentrate with Potter always hanging around."

"Yes, why do you two share a room? Aren't you in different houses?"

"I don't know, I guess it was just Dumbledore's twisted sense of humor, he thinks we'll get along better if we're forced to live together."

"Seems like a pretty stupid idea to me."

"I know but Dumbledore's so jolly, what with the twinkling eyes and all, that he's been able to get away with just about anything so far, maybe he let his awesome-jolly-power get to his head."

Ten minutes later Lucius, Narcissa, Draco and Henry are seated around the dinner table, locked into a stony silence… 

Deciding that the silence was way too uncomfortable Henry said, "So…how about those Venus Flytraps? Plants eating insects, it's insane!"

"Yes…" said Lucius, turning back to his soup.

"So," said Narcissa, "Who's your friend, Draco?"

"Oh, this is Henry, Henry Hayward. He just transferred to Hogwarts from a school in Liechtenstein, although his family lives in London."

"That's nice dear," replied Narcissa, obviously not paying any attention.

"So, Mother," said Draco, deciding to toy with her a little, "I heard that your friend, Livia, is really sick and that she stabbed her whole family to death and then started her own convent."

"That's nice," murmured his mother.

"Draco!" exclaimed his father, "How many times have I told you not to amuse yourself at your mother's expense? You know her pills make her a little…out of it."

Just then a house elf popped out from behind a chair and said something so insanely grammatically incorrect that I can't even bring myself to type it. 

Henry responded to the house elf's bad grammar by screaming and running from the room.

"He'll be back…" Draco reassured.

"What's wrong with your friend?" asked Lucius, frowning disapprovingly.

"He gets very uncomfortable around bad grammar, I understand his aversion but it _does_ seem a little extreme."

As Draco finished saying what he said (a/n: see above) Henry calmly strolled into the room and said, "I apologize for my behavior, you see, as a child I had a nightmare about bad grammar. It was probably caused by my nanny, I was terrified of her, once she said, and I quote, 'I is walked to the store and I seen a kitten.'" After saying this Henry burst into tears.

"Oh dear," said Draco, handing him his handkerchief. 

"Perhaps you should bring him out into the hall," said Lucius.

By this time Henry had become quite hysterical. 

Just then (because the grammar discussion has gotten rather boring) a shrill scream was heard in the garden. "There's a woman in the garden!" exclaimed Draco. 

"Isn't there always?" remarked Henry, quickly recovering from the hysteria of moments before. The two of them dashed out of the house and into the garden. 

Ten minutes later (it was quite a long dash) Henry and Draco arrived in the garden and found Hermione lying in the bushes. "Malfoy! What are you doing here?" she asked.

"Well, you're in my garden and we heard you scream."

"That wasn't me."

"Well then, who was it?" asked Draco, turning around to see where a strange shuffling noise was coming from. Seeing Ron Weasley step out from behind a shrub he knew his question was answered and said, "Oh."

"Any one else back there?" asked Henry.

As if to answer his question, Harry Potter stepped out from behind another shrub. 

"Oh for God's sake," muttered Draco, "What are you three doing in my garden?"

"Well," said Harry, "We were going for a midnight stroll and we got a little lost and I said, 'Why don't we call someone?' but Ron and Hermione didn't think that was a very good idea for some reason so we just kept walking. Eventually we found ourselves in the country. After walking for miles and not seeing anything resembling a place where we might find people we saw this delightful mansion and walked to it. Unfortunately, before we could knock and ask for assistance, we all passed out."

Henry and Draco exchanged glances and then Draco began to speak, he only got as far as, "Well…" because at that moment Lucius appeared.

"What are these _people_ doing here?" Lucius wanted to know.

"They got lost, Father."

"Oh really!" Lucius seemed very angry, "Well, should we let them go or torture them awhile?"

The three Gryffindors exchanged terrified glances.

"No, Father, we can't hurt them. They have to stay with us for the rest of Christmas holiday."

Lucius gave him his best look of horror and said, "For Christ's sake, why?"

"_Because_ plots don't just create themselves, they need devices and having my worst enemies forced to live with me for two weeks is an excellent plot device!"


	15. more dinner, a new spell and Lucius'cane

"Well then, come in you five!" said Lucius angrily, "We still have three courses to go for dinner."

The five teenagers followed Mr. Malfoy inside, looking disappointed about the prospect of spending a few hours eating dinner with him and his catatonic wife. As they walked inside Lucius told a house elf who happened to be standing around to set three extra places around the table. The house elf's response nearly made Henry pass out.

When they reached the table the extra places were already set, this was due to the speedy elves and, mostly, to the extraordinarily long walk from the garden to the dining room. The six people sat down at the table and Draco said, "Mother, we're back."

"Are you?" was the response. "Did you go somewhere?"

"Anyway," said Henry, turning to Hermione, "Who does your hair?"

She frowned at him and said nothing.

"No really! It's very…junglesque." 

This made her answer, "You just made that word up!"

He smiled at her mischievously, "But it gets my point across."

"This from a person reduced to hysteria by bad grammar!" said Draco.

"My nanny never made up words."

"Ah."

For about twenty minutes everyone at the table reverted to the complete, encompassing silence the three Malfoys and Henry had experienced during the first two courses. This continued until Harry said, "So…Mr. Malfoy, you haven't tried to kill me lately, come down with a cold, have we?"

His comment was answered by a chilling glare, "I don't recall ever trying to kill you, Harry," the senior Malfoy finally said.

"Yes, well, it was a good comment nonetheless, wasn't it?"

"I think it was," said Ron. 

"You would think, 'oh that's a nice pot roast,' was a good comment if one of your ridiculous friends said it," said Draco.

"Children, don't fight," said Lucius.

"Oh don't be so hard on the boy," said Narcissa, patting Harry on the head. 

"Umm, your son's over there," said Harry. 

"It doesn't matter," Draco said, looking vaguely sulky. 

Dinner was finally over when Lucius went off to his study and Narcissa went to bed. Henry and Draco stood up to go off somewhere (it's not important where) but as they were leaving Harry said, "Malfoy, is there somewhere we can go or are we going to stay in the dining room forever?"

Just then Lucius appeared, because Draco wouldn't have the satisfactory response for the plot, and said, "I think you'll all stay in Draco's room."

"But, Father, we have thirty-nine guest bedrooms!"

"Yes, but you're the one who so kindly informed me of the Plot Device so you should understand."

"I hate to interrupt your Father-Son moment but do I have to stay in Draco's room as well?" asked Henry, "All of my things are in another room already."

"Yes," replied Lucius, "You do."

The five magically inclined young people sulkily walked off to Draco's room. 

After a refreshing seventeen-minute walk they reached the bedroom and sat down on various pieces of furniture. Henry went over to his trunk and starting fiddling about with a wand and some potions. After about ten minutes he exclaimed, "I've done it!"

"Done what?" asked Harry.

"Created a spell that can only be broken by true love!"

Draco blinked expressively and said, "What? Getting into fairly tales, are we?"

"No," Henry frowned, "You see, as a child my devilish nanny used to read me the most insipid stories, they always involved someone needing true love to break a spell. For a very long time I thought that this was just stupid and that spells could only be broken by counter spells and other legitimate things but then I began to become suspicious. I knew that no one had ever done a spell that could be broken by true love before but I thought, 'what if one could!' Then I began to worry that one day someone would succeed in making a spell that could be broken by the aforementioned emotion and it would be a silly spell like the one in the 'Swan Princess' or 'Sleeping Beauty.' I didn't know what to do, as that prospect made me very sad but one day it occurred to me that I could make that spell and I could make it a silly, pointless spell and then no one would have to suffer through a ridiculous bout of sappiness like I did as a child with my terrible nanny. Thinking back, I'm surprised that she was literate."

"So what does it do?" asked Hermione.

"It causes one to see imaginary butterflies until one receives true love's kiss."

"Brilliant!" said Draco.

Just then Lucius walked in and said, "Draco! Do I hear merriment?"

"No Father," insisted Draco but Lucius hit him with his cane, causing Harry to feel a lot of pity, complicating the story further (i.e. another plot device). 

Lucius continued beating his son with the cane for about twenty more minutes and would have gone on longer if Henry hadn't said, "Really, Mr. Malfoy, when you started doing that it was sad and we all saw another side of Draco and everything but now it's just a little bit ridiculous, I mean, I don't think it's even hurting him that much."

"Alright," Lucius said and left.

When he was gone Draco sat up, wiped a bit of blood off his lip and said, "But there was one thing I was wondering about your spell."

"Yes?"

"How do you know if it works? I mean, have you tested it?"

"Well, not exactly. But I plan to." (A/N: pay attention, that might come in the story later.)


	16. ice cream, boredom, squirrels

After discussing the spell until they were so bored that they wanted to kill themselves they decided to go to bed. They would have completed the plan to go to bed if it weren't for Henry pointing out that it was only nine o'clock. 

"Oh man, that's so early," said Draco, then he said, "I have an idea! Let's sneak out."

"That's a terrible idea," said Hermione, "What if your dad finds out?"

"What's he going to do?" Draco wanted to know.

"Umm…" said Ron, "Perhaps you've forgotten…but about ten minutes ago your dad was totally beating you with his cane."

"Yeah, but he does that all the time and it hasn't stopped me before."

This made Harry's feelings of pity for Draco return, which made him uncomfortable, 'Oh,' he thought, 'I'm seeing a whole other side of Draco! What will I do? Will I develop feelings for him? Perhaps I could be the friend he needs to fill that void in his life.' "Oh, poor Draco, all he needs is a hug!" 

Unfortunately Harry had said that last sentence out loud and since he was sitting next to Draco, it didn't escape the notice of that particular blonde person, "What was that, Potter?"

"Nothing."

"I distinctly heard you say that I could use a hug."

"I didn't say that, I said 'Oh, stupid Draco, all he is is a bug…ger.'"

Draco raised his eyebrows but didn't press the matter any further. 

"Let's just go," said Ron.

And they did. They thought about going to a sandwich store again but this plan was thwarted when Henry said, "Sweet _Jesus,_ Draco, if you make me go to one more sandwich store I will _kill_ you!"

"Oh all right," replied Draco, "I suppose _you_ have a better idea?"

"Why don't we go to an ice cream store?"

"Which one?" Ron asked.

Henry replied, "The one with the _unbelievably _stupid name."

Ron raised his eyebrows as if waiting for more information.

"Oh wait," Henry continued, "They _all_ have stupid names, silly me."

"We could go to Madam Flappybottombrooks' Shop of Confections," suggested Harry.

Henry raised his eyebrows in a way that said, 'Aha, I've proved my point!'

They continued on their way to the ice cream store and on the way they spotted some fantastic squirrels.

When they reached Madam Flappybottombrooks' they sat down at a table in the corner. "I'm glad we're sitting in the corner," said Henry.

"And why is that?" asked Draco.

But Henry pretended not to hear the question, for some reason.

They ordered ice cream. (A/N: I thought about telling you what kind each of them got, just to spite you but then I remembered that I'd have to think up stupid, J.K. Rowlingesque names for everything and that would be an incredible waste of time). As they sat around eating the ice cream (all except for Henry and Draco who decided that eating was 'uncool') various people from Hogwarts began to show up, it doesn't matter who—they're extras. 


	17. draco destroys neville's attempt at self...

While the five people sat around the uneven table in the poorly lit tavern they began to drift into the kind of silence that can only be found at the Malfoy residence at dinner time. Just when Draco was wishing for an end to his misery Neville Longbottom walked over to their table. "Hello, Chaps!" he said, excitedly.

"What are you doing here?" asked Draco.

"I saw that your table needed some brightening up!"

"Weren't you shy before? What happened to that?"

"Well, I was but then I went to some leadership seminars at the local community college (I was staying with my muggle aunt) and I think I really gained a whole new perspective on my life. Now I'm ready to face any challenges with the confidence that shows that I believe in myself! And I'm not scared of you any more, Malfoy!"

Draco was momentarily speechless but the look of horror on his face was quite eloquent. Finally he said, "I don't know where to begin…Community college? What's wrong with your hair? It looks like a hedgehog molesting a rat! Seriously, those have got to be the ugliest pants in the entire world; if MC Hammer and Mango had some sort of freakish love child even it wouldn't be able to create a more hideous ensemble! How can one person be so fat? I shudder to think what would happen if you stood any closer to me, I would probably suffocate…I should hate to suffocate in a person. I don't think anyone would though, hmm, probably why you'll never have any human companionship."

When Draco had finished his increasingly nasty tirade Neville ran off in tears, sobbing something about how the community college had cost so much and now it had all gone down the drain. 

Draco turned back to the people surrounding him at the slivery table and smiled, "Well, I feel much better. Why don't we…" he trailed off when he noticed an owl flying his way, "An owl? Who could be sending me an owl now?" he wondered as he pulled the note off the foot…or claw…or whatever birds have. It said:

__

Dear Draco,

You seem to have forgotten your sandwich, I wish you wouldn't be so absent-minded. It makes people suspicious. I want you to know that whatever happens I'll always be your mother…even if I don't love you. Oh, tell that nice Potter boy not to touch monkeys, they carry strange diseases. Why, my friend Alafinia, once caught a horrible disease from a monkey. She'll never be the same, I see her often at garden parties and it's rather like looking at a shaved dog.

-Narcissa Malfoy

Harry said, "Why did you read that letter aloud, Malfoy?"

"I don't know."

"Well, I'm completely disturbed," said Ron.

"What's with your mum?" Hermione wanted to know.

"Umm…" 

But Draco couldn't finished his sentence because Harry said, "Leave him alone guys, it's not his fault that his mum's a bit…crazy."

Everyone at the table stared at him with various horrified expressions.

"Why are you being like that, Potter?" asked Draco.

"Shut up!" said Harry and ran off to the boy's room.

Everyone turned to Draco and he said, "What? Are you all expecting me to chase after him or something?" when they didn't stop staring he said, "Because I'm not going to."

Just then Professor Snape conveniently walked by, raising his greasy eyebrows and running a hand through his disgustingly greasy hair. This was noticed by one random person in the corner who found him to be sexy, no one knows why, it's a complete mystery. 


	18. is snape in japan? is draco being nice?

When Draco saw the greasy man walk by he was afraid that he would be sick so he ran off to the bathroom, forgetting that Harry was in there. When he reached the bathroom, which was also not very well lit, he saw Harry and started to run for the door. Draco got to the door and was about to leave but hesitated at the knob. 'Would it be better to stay in here with Potter or go out there with the greasiest man alive,' he wondered. 

His thoughts were interrupted when Harry said, "Malfoy, are…are you coming to console me?"

Draco felt his heart sink at the thought of consoling Potter but he felt kind of bad about just leaving him in there crying, then he thought, 'Oh for Christ's sake,' and said, "No, I only came in to wash my hands because Mudblood accidentally touched me." After saying this Draco left.

When he was gone Harry noticed that he hadn't washed his hands and maybe that meant that the Hermione touching him thing wasn't true. He smiled to himself, thinking that Draco had actually come in to be nice but had then changed his mind at the last minute. 'Oh that Draco's not so bad,' though Harry, acting completely out of character for no reason at all in a situation that would never happen. 

A few minutes later Harry rejoined the table and sat down, oblivious to the fact that Draco was glaring at him. At almost exactly the same time Harry sat down, Snape came skipping over. "Why, what a surprise, Draco Malfoy sitting with none other than the Boy Who Lived."

"Well, you have to admit," said Harry, "It's a pretty awesome nickname." 

"It's better than mine," said Henry.

"What's yours?" asked Ron.

Realizing that he shouldn't have mentioned his nickname, Henry said, "Umm. I don't want to say."

"It's Capillary," Draco supplied.

"Has everyone forgotten that I'm here?" asked Snape, pushing a greasy strand of hair out of his eye.

"If only," said Henry.

"Ten points from Slytherin!" said Snape.

"I'm pretty sure you can't take away points when we're on holiday," Draco argued.

"Sore wa nan desuka?" asked Snape, suddenly imagining that he was in Japan (A/N: line donated by Kyle).

"What?" asked Ron.

"Nothing," said Snape, running away. 

"That man is becoming increasingly strange," Hermione pointed out.

"Brilliant," said Draco, sarcastically, "Who knew you had such a firm grasp on the obvious."

"Well do you have anything to add?" she asked.

"I happen to know why he's acting strangely."

"You do?" 

"No." 

A/N: argh, I hate asking because it seems pretty obvious but could you please review this? I just want to know if people are reading so you don't need to say anything meaningful…just one word would do it. I love you…umm…Kyle will give you a free lap dance if you review…I plomise (that doesn't work as well in writing).


	19. draco has a terrible disguise when tryin...

A/N: I just want to respond to a review: SheilaB- it's not meant to make fun of fanfiction, I'm just incapable of being serious (although sometimes my hatred for bad stories sort of seeps in). I didn't write it to make a point so nothing would be better served if I tried to make it serious, I mean, it has _no_ plot. Also, how can parodies be passe? That's like saying bread is passe. 

When Snape had finally gone Draco thought maybe things at their table would return to a nice, comfortable silence like before but, unfortunately, this was not the case. 

Harry began to sob uncontrollably and said, through tears, "Oh Draco! I've always been in love with you!"

"What?!" asked Draco, in a voice so high that it was only audible to cats.

"Why won't you say anything?" asked Harry, because he couldn't hear Draco's response.

"I…" but Draco realized that he had nothing to say so he ran away. He began running down the street as quickly as he could, not caring where he went as long as it was away from Potter. After running for a few blocks he noticed that Harry was quickly approaching. 'Damn his speediness!' thought Draco. Then he had another thought, 'I can make a magical disguise!' He pointed his wand at himself and said, "_Disguiseicticus!"_ Unfortunately, his brilliant disguise consisted of a fake, gray beard and a top hat. Draco didn't realize that his costume was so moronic because, for once in his life, he was without a mirror. He stopped running, thinking that Harry wouldn't recognize him but this turned out to be a bigger mistake than letting Snape into his room a few chapters back. 

"Draco!" yelled Harry, quickly catching up with him.

"Oh, damn," muttered Draco as Harry walked over to him.

"Draco, take off that silly beard and hat." 

"How can you see through my disguise?" 

"Disguise?"

"Never mind." Draco felt bad that he had ended the verbal sparring because when Harry realized that the conversation was over he began to touch Draco in a very private place, "Stop! That's a private place!" said Draco, pushing Harry away.

"Well, yeah, we can finally end our fighting. Won't everyone be surprised when we tell them of out love for each other?"

"Surprised?! Are you _insane?_ My father will _kill _me…and anyway, it's beside the point because there will be no declaring of love to anyone!"

"Oh, so you want to keep our love a secret?"

"No, there will be no love of any kind between us!"

Harry burst into tears. Draco was not in the mood to be manipulated so he burst in to tears as well, deciding that two could play at that game. 

Just then a strange man with a terrible haircut walked over to them and said, "Boys, why are you crying? Why don't you come home with me and I'll give you tea and biscuits."

For some reason Harry and Draco followed him. Maybe it was because they were so distraught, Draco was so distraught that he didn't even notice the man's catastrophic hairstyle. 


	20. draco finally looses it

When Harry and Draco got to the man's house they spent an absurdly boring fifteen minutes sitting in his parlor. Finally Draco said, "Well?" 

"What?" asked the man with the unfortunate hair.

"I believe you promised us tea and biscuits."

"So I did…umm…let me just go to the kitchen and get those." The man turned around and began to walk towards the kitchen, giving a frightening look at the back of his poorly combed head but when he was about half way there he jumped around to face the boys, whipping out his wand. "_Sleepticus!_" yelled the man and Harry and Draco promptly slipped into unconsciousness. 

Several hours later, Draco woke up in a bed and saw that Harry was asleep next to him. He began to look around the room and soon noticed that his and Harry's clothes were neatly folded across a chair a few feet away. Beginning to panic, Draco quickly checked to see if he was naked. He found that he was indeed. Then he found that Harry was naked as well. This made him very depressed, as he had no idea what had happened, "Oh, cripes," he muttered. 

He sat in bed for about ten minutes, trying not to hyperventilate, he was so occupied with this that he failed to notice Harry's eyes open. Harry, looking around, came to many of the same conclusions Draco had upon waking. This, however, had a very different effect on him than it did on his blonde bedfellow. You see, each person in the bed thought that the other knew why they were there and, though this was not true, it made Harry happy and Draco very, very sad. 

"What happened?" they both asked at exactly the same time, Draco's voice all high pitched and panicky and Harry's smooth and happy, yet curious. He felt a vague disappointment at not being able to remember anything they did. 

Draco, seeing that Harry was lost in his imagination, decided to begin speculation, "I don't know how you managed to get me here but obviously it was some sort of spell, I don't appreciate this at all."

"What? I'm just as curious as you are about how _I_ got here, although I'm _rather_ appreciative."

Draco sat there, glaring at Harry for a moment and was about to say something when the man who had brought them to his house walked in, "Hello boys," he said, "I'm glad to see you're awake. Do you remember anything of the last few hours?"

"No, we don't." said Draco, icily. 

"Well, the three of us had lots of fun."

Harry noticed the look on Draco's face and the horrified silence that followed the man's comment and he knew that, unless the man had the skin of a rhinoceros, he would soon be weeping. 

And he was right, Draco took a deep breath and said in a chillingly calm voice, "Who _are_ you? And _what_ do you think your doing? My father will absolutely have you killed when he finds out about this, he done worse to others who've crossed me. But let's forget about that for a moment, I can hardly think straight when confronted with those terrible robes. Where did you find them, the dumpster behind a monster truck rally? Although, your robes are positively _forgivable_ when one sees your hair. You look like Medusa after an encounter with a particularly vindictive hairdresser. You look like Hermione _Granger _crossed with an uncombed poodle. If only hillbillies who use bowls to get their fabulous hairstyles could see you, they would laugh themselves to death. I feel so depressed just looking at you, I'm nostalgic for five minutes ago when I thought Potter had gotten me drunk and seduced me. To think that I was touched by those callused hands, they don't even look clean…Oh _God_! The germs! You must be covered with germs!" Draco was quickly loosing his composure, "Of course you are, you peasant! You obviously would see no reason to wash yourself! Oh Christ, where's a bathroom I need to wash…wait! I can't go near your bathroom, it's probably crawling with microscopic organisms of every species so that no cleanser could get rid of them all! Where's my wand? Potter, get me out of here! I need to go home and wash!" finally he seemed to be out of things to say and instead started thrashing around on the bed, obviously trying not to touch anything. 

As Harry had predicted, the man with the amusing lack of hygiene was in tears by this time. The green-eyed teenager sat watching the poorly coifed man cry and Draco thrash around for several moments with a certain amount of amusement. Finally the man wiped away the last of his tears and pointed his wand at Draco, "_Tieupticus_!" he yelled and Draco was immediately fastened to the bed, much to his dismay.

"Gaa! There's no escape from the germs now!" he cried, trying to move but bound by magical ropes, that are actually no different from regular ones except that they tie themselves. 

The man whose hairdresser was obviously a deranged sociopath began to exit the room. Having eyes, Draco noticed this and said, "Thank the _Lord_ you're leaving!" then he looked uneasily at Harry and said, "Wait, I take it back! Don't leave me in here with Potter and his raging hormones."


	21. segue

Draco was becoming increasingly worried about his close proximity to Harry. Fortunately he didn't really need to be worried at all because, what with Harry being all noble, he was completely safe. They sat in the bedroom for awhile, enveloped in an uncomfortable silence. 

All of a sudden Ron and Hermione burst into the room, "We're here to save you," Ron pointed out.

"Oh dear, why are you two naked, in bed together, with Draco tied up?" asked Hermione.

"Well," began Harry, "We were kidnapped by this guy with hair so bad even _I_ noticed it and he did…something…to us while we were unconscious that involved us being naked in a bed. I'm still naked because for some reason I just haven't put my clothes on even thought they're right there on that chair. Draco's naked because he's tied up and I don't want to dress him and he's tied up because he wouldn't stop thrashing around when he remembered that there are germs around…he has issues."

"I see," she replied, "Well, let's go back to Hogwarts."

"But the holiday can't be over, it's only been about one day."

"It's just time."

"How did you defeat the man with the terrible hair?"

"I don't know, it doesn't matter. Get your things, we're leaving."

"Ok."

A/N: This chapter is really short because I just needed to segue into the next, all slash chapter. 


	22. slash, slash and more slash

A/N: This is the all slash chapter, I couldn't resist. I'm sure it will be vastly entertaining for me, if not you. It will also probably include wildly improbable situations but it's a parody so I don't need to worry about things like plot…or logic. 

Draco was walking down the hall at Hogwarts one day, shortly after he got back from his absurdly short Christmas holiday. For some reason his friend, Henry, had completely disappeared from the story so he was feeling a little lonely. He continued walking along and soon he was near Snape's classroom. 'I hope I don't run into that freak, Snape,' he thought. 

But he didn't run into Snape, before he could even get all the way to the dreaded classroom his walk was intercepted by Harry Potter. "Oh man," he said, "Potter, what are you doing here?" 

"What are _you_ doing here?" asked Harry, raising an eyebrow and leaning forward. 

For some reason (a/n: because it's the slash chapter), when Harry said those words, Draco noticed what an incredibly good looking person Harry was, "Wow, you're a total fox!" he said. 

"So are you…Draco." GASP!! Harry called Draco by his first name! How incredibly meaningful and beautiful. If anything else could sum up the wonderful beauty and meaningfulness of the situation better than that I have yet to see it. 

Draco would have commented on his former enemy's use of his name if he weren't so emotionally damaged by his father, instead he said, "Let's go off to an abandoned classroom and…" becoming uncharacteristically shy, he finished, "…well…you know."

They ran off to a classroom and began to take off each other's clothes rapidly. When they were mostly disengaged from their clothing, Harry said, all of a sudden becoming the shy, naïve one, "But…Draco…I've never done this before!"

"With a guy?"

"With anyone." (A/N: Awww…isn't that adorable, especially seeing as how in the previous chapters Harry was totally coming on to Draco, but now I guess he's all charmingly innocent. I shouldn't act so surprised though, let's all recall that I'm the one writing this.)

"Don't worry, in the past fifteen minutes I've become a really sensitive guy and so I'll be gentle." (A/N: Gaa! I hate that word, _gentle_).

So Draco and Harry continued to take off each other's clothes for about nineteen minutes and after that they…well, you know (Draco was on top).

A few hours later, after all the excitement had died down, Draco woke up and noticed Harry sleeping next to him. At first he was very happy about this development but then, for reasons less clear than how he got there in the first place, he began to worry about what would happen when Harry woke up. He began to get dressed and was about to put on his shirt when his father burst into the room.

"Draco! What are you doing? And with Harry Potter? Oh the humanity! How could you do this to me? You know Potter is The Dark Lord's greatest enemy!"

"Father, what are you doing at my school?"

"I don't know! Anyway, it's beside the point!" Lucius grabbed his son's elbow and pulled him into another deserted classroom.

When they reached the classroom (Jesus Christ, there are a lot of deserted classrooms to spare) Lucius became very violent with Draco. Draco began to worry that his father would hit his face because that would be just awful, as we all know facial bruises _never_ heal and they're _really_ unattractive (note the sarcasm). Anyway, blah, blah, blah, punch, slap, punch. Soon Lucius had Draco completely naked, on the floor.

Draco, grasping at straws, said, "But, Father, I'm a pure, pure virgin."

"Oh, come on, that's such an obvious lie." Lucius violently inserted himself into Draco and there was a lot of blood and it was very painful (Draco was on the bottom)…skimming ahead…Lucius went home, because apparently he had absolutely no reason to be at Hogwarts whatsoever. 

Draco stayed, laying on the floor for fourteen minutes, feeling very used, sad, etc… After the fourteen minutes he got dressed and went off to class. 

The class, unfortunately, was Potions. During that day's lessons Snape found himself oddly drawn to a particular blonde student. Luckily (for Snape) Draco happened to spill something during a particularly difficult potion that involved balancing a flask on one's head. "Detention, Malfoy. At midnight tonight, in my office, when everyone is fast asleep and after I've had a lot of time to prepare spells to ensure that know one can see or hear anything that is going on in there."

As Draco was unhappily leaving class, Harry walked up to him and said, "Draco, how could you leave before I woke up? That's just bad manners."

"I had to…I can't explain."

Harry left angrily. 

After Harry was out of sight Ron came marching angrily over to Draco, "Just what did you think you were doing, leaving my friend like that and then not telling him why?"

"He told you about that?" Draco was a little bit disturbed by that information. Who else had he told?

"Yes, now let's go to an empty class room so I can tell you exactly how mad I am!" 

Draco raised his sexy eyebrows (porn music sets in…now) and they went off to another empty room. 

When they got there they took off each other's clothes for seventeen minutes and then they…_didn't_ clean a bathroom, wink wink. (Umm…they took turns being on top).

After that they assured one another that they still hate each other, because otherwise where would poor Harry be? Then they went their separate ways. Draco was about to go back to his room and sleep but then he knew Harry would be there and…let's just say he wouldn't do much sleeping. So, instead, he went to sleep in Crabbe's room. 

About an hour later Crabbe found Draco asleep in his bed, he went over and began to undo Draco's buttons. After doing that for a while he kissed Draco, rather fumblingly. This woke Draco up. 

"AHHH! Crabbe! What the _hell_ are you doing? Get off!"

"You know you want me!" said Crabbe, getting on top of Draco.

"No, I really think I don't, but…" Draco kissed Crabbe. Fortunately, the only reason he did this was to distract the large teenager so that he could grab his wand. When he had his wand he pointed it at Crabbe, yelling, "_Getawayicus_!" Crabbe was thrown across the room and Draco made his exit. 

When he was in the hall, Draco noticed that it was time for detention. 'Oh man,' he thought, not at all looking forward to it. 

Snape was very pleased when Draco arrived in his office. "You finally made it," he said, unable to come any closer to sounding pleased. 

"Yes," Draco said.

"Go lie down on that bed that's mysteriously appeared in my office."

Draco, who by this time was incredibly exhausted and knew he had no hope because this was the slash chapter, complied. Snape began to remove Draco's garments, laughing in that creepy way he laughs. 

After twenty-three minutes Draco was finally naked. Snape then had lots of fun with the naked teenager (Draco was on the bottom) and sent him back to the dorm.

When Draco got to his room, Harry was lying seductively on the bed. "Harry, I'm really tired."

"Oh come on," said Harry. 

"Fine, just a little." They had a total snogfest on Harry's bed (Draco was on top) and then went to sleep.


	23. harry informs draco of the previous day'...

When Draco woke up the next morning he was feeling somewhat refreshed. He got out of bed and noticed that he wasn't wearing his pajamas…or anything else. 'That's odd,' he thought then he looked down at the bed and noticed Harry Potter lying there. "Gaa!" he yelled, not at all pleased to find Harry in the bed where he had been sleeping. 'Maybe I just wandered into his bed during the night, yes, I was just sleep walking,' but then he looked over at his undisturbed bed and knew that that could not be the case. 'Oh why can I never remember the events of previous days,' he wondered. During all this wondering Draco had wandered over to the mirror and was now combing his hair without even realizing it.

At this point, Harry woke up, rubbed his eyes and said, "Draco, you hair looks fine. Come back to bed."

"Gaa!" said Draco, for the second time that morning, "Umm…Harry did we sleep together last night?"

"If by sleep you mean 'have sex' then yes."

"Gaa!"

"Six times."

"GAA!"

"You must be pretty tired."

"Oh give me some credit, I can handle six times."

"Heh heh, apparently you don't remember. You also slept with Ron…"

"Gaa!"

"…Snape…"

"Sweet mother of God!"

"…And your Father…" 

By this time Draco was weeping and muttering profanities like a depressed sailor.

"Oh come on, it's not so bad, at least you got to begin and end the day with me."

"You mean I slept with you on more than one occasion, it wasn't just an isolated incident that will never, ever happen again?"

"Yes."

Draco wept for about thirty-six minutes and then looked up, wiped his eyes and said, "Wait, how did you know about all those other people I slept with?"

"Let's just say I know a certain house elf who knows what's good for him."


	24. Dumbledore's eyes twinkle like a maniac

"Oh I just remembered one more thing," said Harry. 

"What?" asked Draco wishing he were dead.

"Well you didn't just sleep with me, Ron, Snape and your father."

"Oh God! Who else?"

"Well you didn't actually 'go all the way' with anyone else but…let's just say Crabbe got a little friendly while you were asleep."

This was too much for poor Draco and he started weeping like a little schoolgirl. 

"I'm sorry…perhaps I shouldn't have told you that."

"No, no it's for the best…now I know who to take out my revenge on…sweet, sweet revenge."

Harry shifted uncomfortably, "Does that mean me?"

"I haven't decided."

"I see. Well, it's time for potions."

"Have you noticed how it always seems to be time for potions?"

Harry ignored Draco's question and said, "We'd better put some clothes on."

Draco became depressed again when he noticed that they had both been naked the whole time. Anyway, they put on clothes and hurried to class. 

When they walked in Snape said, "You're nine and a half minutes late, where have you been?"

"It took us awhile to get out of bed…" said Harry, suggestively.

Snape, feeling rejected by Draco, burst into tears and left the room. When Harry and Draco got to their seats Draco whispered to Harry, "Why did you have to say that so suggestively? Now everyone will think we're an 'item.'" 

"Oh will they?" asked Harry, ingenuously, "I had never _considered _that." 

After about twenty-three minutes Snape returned, it was obvious that he had been crying his eyes out; they were all red and swollen and his hair was greasy as ever. He taught class and it seemed like it would never end.

It did, however, end and when it did, Harry and Draco left the room, arm in arm. "Why are we arm in arm?" whispered Draco.

"Are we?" asked Harry, "Don't worry, it's almost time for lunch." 

Draco had no idea what the time of lunch could have to do with his concerns about being arm in arm with Harry Potter but he spent so much time pondering it that by the time he looked up, they were in the lunchroom. He started to walk to his normal spot at the Slytherin table, near Crabbe and Goyle but then he remembered his incident with Crabbe and decided against it.

Seeing Draco's difficulty in deciding where to sit, Harry said, "Why don't you sit by me?" 

Draco didn't want to but soon realized that he had no choice because Dumbledore was saying, "Time for everyone to sit down! Even though it's never been a rule before that people have to sit down at a certain time, I just want to make sure that Draco has no time to decide where to sit down so that he has to sit with Harry." After saying this, Dumbledore's eyes started twinkling like a maniac. 

"Wow, what's with Dumbledore's eyes?" Harry asked, "They're twinkling like a maniac!"

"Yes…" said Draco and then he started concentrating on pushing his mashed potatoes around the plate.

"What's with you? You're acting like those mashed potatoes are the most interesting things in the world."

"They are," said Draco, with heavy sarcasm. 

"Why don't you eat them?"

"Why don't you _die_?"

"Ooh, good one," said Hermione, who was also sitting there.

Draco ignored her and then looked over at Ron, who had been staring at him the whole time. "Ron, will you _please_ stop staring at me," Draco said. He was about to add something about their "encounter" the day before. Something really cruel…preferably about size or performance but then he remembered that Hermione was sitting right there and he didn't want her to know about his…transgressions. 

"Oh, I know you're just aching to insult Ron's skills in bed. Don't stop on my account," said the frizzy haired person in question.

"Wha…!? How did you know about that?" he asked.

"Dumbledore told me."

"How did he know?"

"He always knows about that kind of thing."

"Why did he tell you?"

"I don't know."

"That's so unbelievably creepy."

"Yes, so…how did it feel to run your hands through Snape's greasy hair?"

"Aah! Why would you say that? I didn't _touch _his hair…or should I say 'that greasy mass he calls hair.' Seriously, why would you say that? It's just spiteful, you know how much his hair bothers me."

"Then why did you go to his office at midnight and…you know."

"I _had_ detention! It's not as if I had a choice, by that time I was so tired I would have done anything that involved lying down. I'm surprised Dumbledore didn't tell you that if he's so all knowing." 

"Well I don't think he knew that it wasn't consensual, he thought it was sweet."

"That twisted freak! Why would he think that a student and teacher together was sweet? Especially if the teacher is Snape, greasy, greasy Snape…" Draco started staring off into space, as if mesmerized by the horror of Snape's hair. Finally he revived himself and said, "He should have called the police!"

"I suppose. It's rather funny, actually, he thought of giving you two a cabin on the grounds to live in during the school year but then he worried about taking you away from Harry."

"That sick, sick pervert! Oh he makes me so mad…I'd call my father but I worry that if he comes to Hogwarts Dumbledore'll force _us_ to live together in some secluded cabin…" Draco trailed off, as if unable to finish that thought out loud. Instead he just began to twitch.

"Well now look what you've gone and done," said Harry, exasperatedly. "I'll just take him off to our room and give him some ice water, maybe that'll revive him."

"Why would ice water help?"

"Shh," said Harry and dragged Draco away.


	25. Draco's a demon in the sack

When Harry and Draco got back to their room, Harry propped Draco up in a chair and started nudging his shoulder to make him wake up. After about ninety-six minutes of nudging, Draco woke up and quoted Brody in Mallrats, "Sweet fucking Christ, will you knock it off?"

"Sorry," said Harry. Then he said, "Oh, I'm so bored."

"Why don't you make me a sandwich?"

"What is it with you and sandwiches?"

"I don't know, there's just something so magical about waking up to a sandwich."

"Hmm…more magical than waking up next to me?"

"I swear to God, if you don't stop working that into every conversation I'll murder you while you sleep."

"I don't work that into every conversation."

"Yes you do."

"Name one time."

"All right, remember earlier today, in Care of Magical Creatures, when we were learning about how to take care of arthropods and I said, 'Arthropods aren't magical,' and Hagrid looked uncomfortable. Then you stood around for a moment looking back and forth and then said, 'Speaking of arthropods, Draco's a demon in the sack.'"

"Oh yeah, that was so funny."

"No it wasn't."

"But I bet that's the only other example you can think of."

"No…later in some other class Neville raised his hand and said that he spilled whatever he was working on and the professor was a little put out so he explained that he was feeling clumsy because he hadn't gotten much sleep the night before and you raised your hand and said, 'Professor, I didn't get much sleep either because I was too busy shagging Draco!'"

"That was a completely relevant comment!"

"It was irrelevant."

"All right, you caught me in my bluff," Harry conceded. 


	26. Snape and Fitzpatrick argue over semanti...

Draco sighed and picked up a book off the floor and began reading it. After about ten minutes of watching Draco read Harry said, "So, what's the book called?"

Draco looked up, glaring and said, "Modern Contraptions for Devilish Minds."

"Mmm," said Harry. 

Another fifteen minutes of silence went by and then Harry said, "What's it about?"

"I don't know," 

"How can you not know? You're reading it."

"Look," said Draco, "I've been _trying_ to be nice but you're really starting to get on my nerves. Haven't you got somewhere to be?"

"No," said Harry, sadly.

"What about those friends of yours, you know, the poor one and the one with the funny hair."

"Oh _come _on, you know their names."

Draco laughed and said, "Do I?"

Harry sighed and left the room. After he left Draco chuckled to himself and went back to his book.

* * * 

__

Later, in Potions, even though they just had Potions right before lunch and Harry and Draco have just been sitting around in their room, not going to class…

"Class, I have an announcement to make," said Snape.

A loud groan resounded throughout the room.

"Now, now, none of that," said the greasy haired man, "I want to tell you all that, as of next Thursday…" a student's hand shot up, "Yes?"

"By next Thursday," began the student (we'll call him Fitzpatrick), "Do you mean the Thursday of this week, or next? After all, today is only Tuesday, so you can see why I might be confused."

"I meant the Thursday of this week."

"Well then shouldn't you have said 'this coming Thursday' or 'this Thursday'?" 

"Does it matter?"

"Of course, if you don't specify which Thursday you mean, there's potential for great confusion."

"All right," said Snape, obviously becoming even more irate than he all ready was, "_This coming Thursday_ we will be celebrating career day…"

"Celebrating?" asked Fitzpatrick.

"That's it!" shrieked Snape, "What house are you in?" 

"Ravenclaw."

"Ten points from Ravenclaw! Anyway," he continued, trying to control his temper, "On Thursday a parent will come in to discuss their career."

"Who's coming in?" asked Ron.

"Lucius Malfoy."

This made Draco want to die. 'Oh man,' he thought, 'I'd hoped I wouldn't have to see my dad until summer!'

"What was that?" asked Harry.

"I didn't say anything," replied Draco and it was true.


	27. Lucius' job

That Thursday, as promised, Lucius showed up at Hogwarts. (He actually showed up on Wednesday, I lied). He spent all of Wednesday scaring first years. Finally, he was forced to stop because Dumbledore, firmly, yet with a twinkle in his eye told him to and Dumbledore's the headmaster. 

Draco spent all of Wednesday avoiding his father, which wasn't hard because all he had to do was avoid first years and he did that any way. Unfortunately, as he was walking down the hall, going to his room to go to bed, he happened to run into Lucius. "Father," he said in a very high pitched voice, "Fancy meeting you here."

"Yes, fancy that, seeing your father when you know he's visiting your school. Why have you been avoiding me, Draco?" Lucius asked menacingly.

"I didn't know you were coming."

"Yes you did; I had Snape announce it to your class on Tuesday."

"Oh…well, it got very confusing. I though he meant _next _Thursday," Draco lied.

"You're lying."

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are, I can tell because your voice raised about five octaves when I said you were lying."

"I don't know where you got that idea. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to bed. Harry always waits up for me and I hate to keep him awake, what with quidditch practice in the morning and all."

"You're concerned about Harry Potter being tired?!"

"Yes…?"

"I'm tired of all your lies. When I visit, out of the kindness of my heart, you should be pleased and you shouldn't try to avoid me."

"The kindness of you heart? And you call _me_ a liar…shame, shame. Speaking of which," Draco thought of something, "What exactly are you going to discuss with the class?"

"My career."

"Being a death eater?"

"Well_ obviously _I wouldn't say that! For God's sake, Draco, use your head. If I said _that_ I would be sent to Azkaban immediately."

"Then what _are _you going to say? It's not like you have a _job._"

"Yes I do, the Ministry of Magic."

"Oh yeah, silly me. Well, goodnight."

"Oyasuminasai," said Lucius, imagining that he was in Japan.


	28. Lucius becomes violent, Draco and Harryd...

That night, as Lucius was retiring to his room he saw an owl flapping at his window. He walked over to the window and opened it. After unfolding the message attached to the owl's foot, he began to read. 

__

Dear Mr. Malfoy, 

We are writing to you today to let you know that we appreciate the years of service you've put in at the Ministry of Magic. However, lately we have noticed that you're, well, evil. As you can imagine, this caused us some difficulty. We just weren't sure what to do! After much deliberation, we finally saw the solution; it was as if it had been staring us in the face that whole time and we were only then clever enough to see it. 

We're sure you're wondering where all of this is going and so we would like to enlighten you. Mr. Lucius Malfoy, you are hereby relieved of your duties at the Ministry of Magic. That is to say, you're fired.

Love,

Your friends at the Ministry of Magic

P.S. Those bars your wife brought to the annual bake sale were to die for.

As you can imagine, after reading this Lucius was livid. So what do you think he did? That's right, he went straight to Draco's room and beat him silly.

"Umm, Mr. Malfoy," said Harry, as Lucius' fist made contact with Draco's jaw for the third time that evening, "I'm standing right here."

"So?" asked Lucius.

"Well, I just thought, you know, usually people do this sort of thing in private. I just feel sort of uncomfortable, that's all."

"And I'm supposed to _care?_" 

"No, no, I guess not," there was a pause, filled only by the sound of Lucius beating Draco, until Harry said, "So…why are you so angry?"

"I got fired," Lucius stopped hitting Draco and slumped down onto the bed, with his head in his hands and his elbows resting on his knees. 

"Oh, Father, I'm _so _sorry," said Draco sarcastically as he wiped some blood off his lip. 

"Well you should be!" cried Lucius, "What will I tell your class tomorrow?"

"I don't care _at all_."

"Fine!" Lucius said, raising his fist.

"Wait!" exclaimed Harry. 

Lucius paused.

"Umm…all you have to do is lie about what you do for a living, they'll never know the difference. And you're evil so you should have no trouble thinking up a lie!"

"Thank you Potter, it's good to see _someone _care about me!"

"Well, actually I just wanted to stop you from hitting Draco."

"_Thank you Potter, it's good to see _someone_ cares about me!"_ Lucius repeated, menacingly before taking his leave.

"Thanks Potter, I owe you one," said Draco, grudgingly.

"Does that mean you'll sleep with me?" asked Harry, hopefully.

"I guess," said Draco and they spent the night in Harry's bed, snogging.

__


	29. Harry catches Ron and Draco in a comprom...

The next morning in potions (because where else would they be?) the class sat, waiting indifferently for Lucius to begin talking.

"Class, calm down," said Snape unnecessarily.

Lucius walked to the front of the room and began to speak, "Hello class," he said menacingly. "I'm here to discuss my career."

"What career is that?" asked some random kid in the back of the room.

"Well obviously I'm about to tell you," said Lucius.

"Well go on then!" said the kid.

"I will," Lucius responded, "I am an animal wrangler."

Lucius' pronouncement made Harry burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter, he thought he was going to die. 

"Why are you laughing?" Snape shrieked, feeling like the situation was beyond his control.

"I'm s-sorry," Harry managed, "It's just that…an _animal wrangler?_ Come on!"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" said Lucius. "It's what I do for a living!"

Draco jabbed Harry in the ribs, "Potter, will you shut up! You can't give away Father's secret or he'll become angry and beat me senseless again."

"Right, right," said Harry and did his best to calm down. For some reason no one heard the short exchange between Harry and Draco, even though before they began talking all eyes had been on them. 

Lucius continued talking unconvincingly about animal wrangling, "…And that's why you always need to wear gloves when handling hexopolatogriphs, they have very sharp claws."

Some other random kid said, "Jesus _Christ_, Mr. Malfoy, you spent an hour telling us why we should use gloves when handling hexopolatogriphs. Everyone all ready knows that, you're such a moron!"

Lucius looked rather like he was about to make a snide remark but the random kid was saved because class ended. Every one quickly dashed out of the room when they realized what time it was, eager to leave the mind numbing boredom behind. 

When Draco left class he felt much better, leaving a room containing his father never failed to put him in a good mood. "I feel much better," he announced to no one in particular.

"That's good," said Harry, who was walking along side Draco.

"I wasn't talking to you."

"But I'm the only one here, who could you have been talking to?"

"I was talking to no one in particular."

Harry didn't feel like arguing and yet he said, "So…I had fun last night."

"That's funny, I didn't," Draco said spitefully.

"I think you're lying just to spite me," Harry ventured.

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!" 

"Are too!"

"This is ridiculous, I don't want to talk to you any more."

"You're just saying that."

"Am n— oh for Christ's sake!" and Draco stormed off angrily. He thought about going into an empty classroom to be alone but quickly remembered what happened in empty classrooms and decided not to. Instead, he walked down the hall until he came upon a deserted wing, which is just as dangerous as an empty classroom but Draco didn't know that yet. He leaned against a wall to catch his breath but was startled when he saw Ron standing there. 

"Hello Malfoy," said the red haired person.

"Hello Weasley," said Draco.

"So…I was just thinking about our little 'encounter…"'

"I can see that," said Draco, gesturing to Ron's lack of pants. 

"Oh," said Ron, blushing, "It's not how it looks, I was just standing around and then my pants disappeared. I don't know what happened, honestly."

"Ok."

Just then Ron noticed that there was an empty classroom nearby and he pulled Draco inside.

When they were inside, with the door shut and the lights off, Draco said, "I don't know about this…I'm still getting over my depression about last time."

"Oh, come on."

"All right." Soon Draco was on his knees, putting Ron's lack of pants to good use.

Back with Harry… 

Harry thought about running after Draco but then thought to himself, "Lately it seems like I have no pride! I can't just go running after Draco every time he gets mad, that would be silly." Actually, he didn't think that to himself, he said it out loud.

A random guy in a hood stepped out from behind a pillar and said, "That is a wise decision you made, young sapling." The man stood there for several minutes, conspicuously not doing anything. 

"Well, you know," said Harry, "I'd love to stay and _chat_ but I have somewhere I have to be."

"Yes," said the man. 

Harry left as quickly as he could. Glad to be free of the strange, hooded man, Harry stumbled into the nearest empty classroom. Unfortunately, Harry didn't have the benefit of Draco's experience with empty classrooms and was completely oblivious to what happened in them. He turned on the lights and promptly began a screaming fit when he saw Draco on his knees, in front of Ron and they weren't practicing for church (although it depends how you look at it).

"Ahhhh!" said Harry.

"Oh dear!" said Ron.

"Potter, what are you doing here?" asked Draco, by far the calmest of the three. 

"I…I-I'm just a little bit disturbed!"

"Why?" Draco inquired.

"Well…I mean…er…that is to say…you're obviously not practicing for church."

"Obviously, but then, who _really_ practices for church?"

"No one, I suppose."

"Exactly," said Draco reassuringly as he stood up.

Harry wasn't really feeling reassured and he said, "How could you?"

"I don't see how it's any of your concern what I do!"

"But I—I just thought…" Harry didn't know how to finish his sentence.

"What?"

"Well, I thought you were starting to like me but then you go off and shag _him!_" that last 'him' was said rather disapprovingly and Ron noticed.

"I'm standing right here!" he said.

"Oh for God's sake, Ron, go find some pants!" said Draco. 

"Fine!" said Ron, running from the room.

"So," said Harry, "What were you thinking?"

"I tired of this conversation," said Draco.

"Well, that's just to bad!" Harry said.

Draco stared at him for a moment and then left the room.


	30. dumbledore's perverse affection for slas...

A/N: WHAHA! This chapter is the big 3-0!!!!!!!!!

Harry chased after his blonde "friend" and soon caught up with him in another empty classroom. "What's with all the empty classrooms?" asked Harry.

"Who knows…" Draco replied and he would have continued if one Albus Dumbledore hadn't entered the room at that exact moment.

"I think I can answer your question, Harry," he said.

"Can you?" asked Harry, trying to be mysterious. 

"Yes," said Dumbledore, after which there was a long, long pause.

"Oh for Christ's sake!" said Draco, "Just answer the Goddamn question!"

So Dumbledore said, "The reason for all the empty classrooms, Harry, is that I think bizarre slash pairings are just adorable and I want to make sure everyone can get in on the fun. Having empty classrooms everywhere makes this possible," he finished the statement with a smile and a twinkle in his eye.

"That's so creepy!" said Draco.

"No, it's charming," Dumbledore argued, "Isn't it, Harry? You're my favorite student."

"That's very flattering Professor," said Harry, "But I think I'm going to have to side with Draco on this one. Your perverse attraction to bizarre slash pairings has gotten downright disturbing. I think it all started back when my parents were in school and you kept on trying to get Professor Snape and Sirius Black to, 'hook up.'"

"He did?" asked Draco, with an expression of complete horror on his face.

"Yes, Sirius told me all about it."

"That's just unsettling."

"Yes, yes it is."

"Well," said Dumbledore, with a twinkle in his eye, as if he was completely oblivious to what was being discussed, "I'd better be going; I have something school related to do, no doubt."

"Bye," said Harry.

Draco didn't say anything, he was to busy giving Dumbledore his best look of disgust.

After the old man was gone, the greasy haired man walked in. "Hello Draco, Harry," said Snape, looking with disdain at both of them. "I just came to tell you that you both have detention alone, at midnight, in a room with a door that has a spell on it that makes it impossible to open from the inside or outside until the spell is taken off."

"Isn't that a fire hazard?" asked Harry.

"Probably, but you don't need to worry about that."

"Why not?"

"Because, a fire just isn't important to the plot."

"I love the plot."

"Yes, we worship the plot. Well, I'll see you both at midnight." And with that, Snape left the room.

A/N: Let's pretend that that was a cliffhanger because I never write cliffhangers because each of my chapters are as boring and pointless as the last. So…wait with anticipation to find out what happens in detention!!!


	31. Detention

The next night, at 11:59 p.m., Draco was in his room, combing his hair. After about the three-hundredth brush stroke he had managed to get himself into a rather trance-like state and so didn't hear Harry say his name six times. 

Finally, Draco heard Harry say, "Draco!" for the seventh time.

"What?" he asked.

"We have detention."

"Oh, right." 

They went off to the detention room and found Snape standing around, looking rather irate. "I am extremely irate!" he said, "You should have been here three minutes ago!" 

It was true that they were three minutes late but Draco didn't think that that was grounds for Snape's anger. "Three minutes isn't late at all," he said.

"Don't get clever with me boy!"

"What? Am I too clever? Can't you understand?"

"Draco…" Harry said.

"That's it!" shrieked Snape, "You're in detention until tomorrow morning, I hope you brought a toothbrush!"

"We didn't," said Harry, worriedly. 

Snape ignored this and left the room, robes billowing and hair not billowing because it was too greasy to move.

"Man, he has greasy hair!" said Draco before Snape had closed the door.

"I heard that!" said the professor in question.

"I don't care," said Draco.

"Fine! You can be handcuffed to the wall all through detention!" He raised his wand, saying, "_Handcuffticus!_" and then left the room. 

Harry laughed, "Well, well, look who can't move."

"I'll feel a whole lot better if you get me a mirror," Draco knew that that wasn't a particularly clever comment but he was really bored and he thought that having a mirror to gaze into would help pass the time.

"Oh…no," said Harry, "I'm not going to sit here watching you stare at yourself for hours and besides, I can't leave the room."

"Stupid Potter," Draco muttered.

"I heard that!" said Harry.

"You're beginning to sound like Snape." Draco smiled at the horrified expression his comment brought to Harry's face.

Collecting himself, Harry said, "Well, you do mutter rather loudly."

"I should work on that," Draco conceded. He then began to amuse himself by trying to wriggle out of the handcuffs. After nineteen minutes he realized it was useless and, with a sigh, gave up.

"I can't believe it took you nineteen minutes to realize that that was useless," said Harry.

"How did you know it took me that long?"

"I was amusing myself by counting the seconds," he admitted.

"This is depressing."

"Hehe."

"What?"

"You look like a crucifix."

Draco didn't say anything because the author had no idea if wizards would know about that sort of thing.

Harry said, "I feel like I should be doing something to take advantage of you being handcuffed to the wall."

"Like what?" asked Draco sexily.

"I don't know."

"Oh," Draco was mildly disappointed, not because he liked Harry at all, he was just really, really bored. 

"Well, I can think of one thing…"

"Oh?"

"I can jab you with this stick I found on the ground!"

Draco was beginning to think Harry was being rather obtuse when Harry approached him, saying, "Just kidding…" Then they did what I'm sure everyone expects them to do. That is, shag. 


	32. the return of Henry

The next morning when detention was finally over Snape came in and unlocked Draco, saying, "Well, you're both free to go. You know, you knew I was coming. You might've put some clothes on."

Harry blushed but Draco just looked coolly at Snape and said, "Jealous, are we?"

"Of course not!" Snape gasped, running from the room. 

Draco chuckled pleasantly and turned to Harry, "Well, shall we find some breakfast?"

Harry agreed that they should and so the two of them went off to the place where food is consumed at Hogwarts. 

When they arrived they were greeted by a twinkly-eyed Dumbledore saying, "Well, I gather you two made good use of your time in detention, eh?"

"What are you talking about?" Draco asked suspiciously.

Dumbledore winked.

"How did you find out about that so quickly?" 

"Let's just say I have the magical equivalent of a video camera in every room and a multitude of TVs in my office."

Draco was at a loss for words. He was completely astounded by the unbelievable creepiness of Dumbledore's voyeurism. 

Unfortunately, before he had any time to come up with an appropriate response, Dumbledore walked away. 

Just then a rather familiar person approached Draco and Harry, "Hello, I suppose you've missed me terribly," said the person.

"Ah, Henry," Draco said cheerfully. "We thought you'd disappeared." 

"Well, I had, for a little while, anyway."

"Where did you go?"

"I was visiting an aunt in Liechtenstein."

"And you didn't bother to tell anyone."

"Well, she's an awfully boring person. I suppose I thought you'd fall asleep immediately if I attempted speak of her."

"I see, well, you're forgiven. Why don't you have some breakfast and then come back to my room. We can lay about all day and discuss the boring details of our relatives."

"Oh dear Lord, Draco, why on earth would we want to do that? The only reason anyone would want to discuss the boring details of relatives is…hmm, well I can't seem to think of a reason."

"We can discuss anything or just sleep for all I care. I was planning on skipping all of my classes today anyway. Harry and I had a rather busy night."

"Hmm…anything you care to discuss?"

"No."

"Oh," Henry turned to Harry, "Does it bother you that he doesn't want to talk about your night? If you had spent the night with me I promise I would have told him all about it the next day."

Harry frowned, "That's…considerate of you."

Henry didn't answer. "Well, I suppose I'll take you up on your offer, Draco. I'm rather tired my self; I spent all of last night on a train so you'll forgive me if I'm not too sympathetic towards you. There are many ways I'd rather spend a night than on a train…" 

They walked away, leaving Harry with Ron and Hermione, who, for some reason, had not heard any of the conversation between Draco and Henry. 

"So," said Ron, "Are you excited about the new quidditch season, Harry?"

"I'm not really sure what season it is…wasn't it just Christmas?"

"I dunno."

"How do you not…never mind."


	33. henry feels positively bereaved

A/N: This is chapter 33, just like the fantastic Smashing Pumpkins song, 33. I finally got around to learning to play that on my guitar a few days ago. Also, I was _so_ tired when I wrote this chapter so I'm sorry if there're lots of typos and it doesn't make any sense.

__

Meanwhile, in Draco's room…

Draco sat down on a chair in the corner of the room and said, "You'll see the room is the same as when you left it."

"Yes. You never were one for redecorating, were you?"

Just then an owl flew in. "Bloody hell," said Draco, "If this is another message from my crazy parents I'm going to kill myself."

Fortunately, the owl flew to Henry instead. Henry untied the letter and after sending the wide-eyed bird on its way, began to read aloud:

__

Dear Henry,

It is I, your mother, writing you on this foggy Saturday morning. I have no idea where you are, although I think I heard your father mention something about school, so I've entrusted this owl to find you. I'm writing to give you some rather bad news. It seems that your grandmother (on your father's side) has finally decided to…how did Cook put it? Ah yes, kick the bucket! 

I wasn't sure if I should write to you or just send someone to collect you for the funeral but then I thought that you should decide for yourself whether to go or not. I'm confident that it's going to be frightfully tedious; your aunt, Lavinia, has already promised to bring a memorial photo album to the event. All in all, your grandmother was a mundane woman and will have a last farewell that befits such a person. 

Best wishes,

Mother

"Well," said Henry, putting aside the letter, "I feel positively bereaved."

"I'm sorry about your grandmother," said Harry, appearing in the doorway.

"What are you doing here?" asked Draco.

"It's my room too. I can come and go as I please."

"Yes, let him in," said Henry, "After all, you two _are_ an item."

Draco glared viciously at Henry but Henry either didn't notice or was pretending not to notice. 

Harry went over to a desk and began to study. 

"So," said Draco, deciding it best to ignore Harry, "Your grandmother's dead."

"So I gathered," Henry remarked. 

"Will you go to the funeral?"

"I don't know…funerals are so _dreary_; one can only take so much of people remarking on 'terrible losses,' and how the deceased led a 'beautiful life' and 'touched so many people.' When I die I just know that all of my friends will stand around giggling about how _I _touched many, many people."

"I think you should go."

"Only if you accompany me."

"All right, if only to get a good look at your aunt's memorial photos."

"Well, if absurd sentimentality is your bag, you'll be in heaven at the funeral."

"But surely not everyone in your family is like that? Your mother didn't seem so."

"You must remember, we'll be with my father's side of the family. Not that my mother's is much better but…at least _she's_ all right. When you meet my father…well, let's just say you'll wish you hadn't."

"As much as you regret meeting my father?"

"It's hard to say."

Just then Dumbledore walked in, "Draco, I've decided that for the next three weeks you have to bring Harry where ever you go."

Draco and Harry weren't at all surprised by this idiotic order and knew that arguing would be useless so they both said nothing. When Dumbledore had gone Draco turned to Harry and said, "Well, well, looks like you get to join us at the mind-numbingly boring funeral."

Henry laughed, "This is looking to be more fun by the minute."


	34. the funeral

That Friday found Draco, Henry and Harry at Henry's grandmother's funeral. "Well, I can think of nineteen places I'd rather be," said Henry.

"I'm going to socialize with your relatives," said Draco. He walked off and saw a rather rotund man in his early sixties with mutton chop sideburns standing around by the table of beverages. Draco didn't particularly want to talk to the large man but he was quickly cornered. 

"Hello young man, which side of the family are you on?"

"Oh, I'm not on any side. I'm just here for the snacks."

"That's disgraceful!" the man became upset and this caused him to become rather out of breath. In order to counter his breathlessness, he drank a large amount of whiskey and soda. 

"Sir," said Draco, "Perhaps you shouldn't drink so much." 

"I'll tell you when I've had enough!" said the soused man.

"Let's help him find a chair," said Harry.

"What are you doing here?" asked Draco.

"I'm supposed to follow you wherever you go, remember?"

"Oh yeah, but Dumbledore isn't even here."

"Yes, but he sees everything…I mean, you remember our detention and how he told Hermione everything you had done on that…busy day you had."

"Speaking of which," said Henry, walking over, "What's with you two…you know, are you, like, an item?"

"We're more like enemies with benefits," Draco clarified. 

Henry was unable to answer because, at that moment, an aunt walked over. "Hello dear," she said, pinching Draco's cheek.

"Umm," said Draco, "Henry's to my left."

"Oh I'm sorry, Henry dear," she said, giving him a large kiss on the cheek, "My eyesight isn't what it used to be."

"That's quite alright, Aunt Agatha," said Henry, discreetly wiping his cheek on a nearby napkin. 

"So," she said, "How is your new school?" 

"Fine."

"And who are your friends?"

"Oh," Henry said and introduced the three people surrounding him. 

"That's very nice dear…well, I'm off to say hello to your grandfather. I'm sure he's just heart broken, he and your grandmother were so close."

When she had gone, Henry said, "Aunt Agatha is such a liar. Grandmother and Grandfather _detested _each other. I bet he's glad to see her gone."

"When my grandfather died my grandmother could barely control her giggling," said Draco.

"I haven't got a real family," said Harry, ensuring a good, long awkward pause.

The pause was filled when Lucius Malfoy wandered over, "Hello, boys," he said coldly.

"Father, what are you doing here?" asked the only person who could logically call Lucius 'Father.'

"I don't know…I suppose I was a business associate of the deceased or something."

"My grandmother had business associates?" asked Henry.

"I doesn't matter. I just wanted to tell you, Draco, what a huge disappointment you are and how much I wish I could have had a better son."

"Well, I _hate_ you, Father," said Draco.

Lucius slapped Draco and then looked around uncomfortably when he realized that he was in public. "Now you've made me embarrass myself in public!" said Lucius as he began to drag Draco off to the coatroom. "I'm just taking my son off to tell him how much I love him," Lucius explained to the concerned onlookers.

"Well…" said Henry, "This is awkward. I'm actually wishing for the time when you mentioned that you didn't have a real family."

"As am I," replied Harry, "As am I." 


	35. summer with the Dursley's

Finally Draco came back and the awkwardness subsided. The three teenage wizards who attended Hogwarts and preferred toast for breakfast went back to school and arrived ten minutes late for Potions, obviously. 

"Late again, I see," said Snape predictably.

"We were at my grandmother's funeral," said Henry.

"Oh," said Snape, rolling his eyes, "Like I 'aven't 'eard that before!"

"What's wrong with your accent?" asked Draco.

"Wot d'you mean, lad?"

"You seem to have developed a cockney accent," Henry explained.

"You must be pullin' me leg, 'Enry." 

"He's not professor," said Hermione, "I've got it on tape!" She played the tape, proving, once and for all, that Snape had been using a cockney accent.

After Snape had run from the room, crying like a schoolgirl, Draco said to Hermione, "Why would you tape that?"

"I tape lots of things," said answered, "Music, professors, bunnies, babies, elves…" she would have continued but Dumbledore (or perhaps one of his messengers or something) walked in and demanded to speak with Harry and Draco.

Soon the two boys wearing clothes found themselves in Dumbledore's 'quaintly' decorated office. "I suppose you're wondering why I wanted to talk to you," said the old wizard with the startling beard.

"Not really," said Draco, "It's probably something boring or just plain stupid."

"We'll see, we'll see," Dumbledore chuckled.

Then there was a long pause.

"Well," said Draco impatiently, "Was there something you wanted to say?" 

Dumbledore resumed speaking as if there hadn't been such a long, boring pause, "Summer holiday is coming up soon, correct?"

Harry began to count the months on his fingers, looking very puzzled, "I'm not sure. What month is it?"

"It doesn't matter. The point is, summer holiday is coming up and I want to inform you of what your plans will be."

"I've already got plans," said Draco, "I'll be spending a remarkably terrible summer at home with my family."

"So will I," said Harry.

"Yes, yes, you both have such terrible home lives and I've decided that it would make sense to have you two spend the summer together, in order to kill two birds with one stone."

"How is that killing two birds with one stone?" Harry wanted to know.

"You see, you both are miserable all summer with your families and I think we're being wasteful by having you be miserable at the same time, yet in different places."

"That makes no sense whatsoever," said Draco. 

"You'll understand when you're older," Dumbledore reassured.

"When I'm senile like you, you mean?" asked Draco.

Dumbledore chuckled and sent them on their way. 

__

Draco and Harry find themselves at the train station, meeting the Dursleys at the start of holiday…

"Hello Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia," said Harry. 

"Hello you worthless aberration," Vernon snarled, "And who's this? You're boyfriend?"

Harry blushed uncomfortably and Draco rolled his eyes, saying, "Oh for Christ's sake, is this who we have to live with all summer?"

"What?" thundered Vernon, "You're not bringing this pansy into our home!"

"Well, you see," Harry began, "I don't have a choice. Dum…the headmaster at our school required it."

"Well I won't have it! Look at your poor aunt, she's practically trembling with horror at the thought of having not one, but two wizards in her impeccably clean home, as well she should."

"I promise not to drag dirt all over the carpet," Draco said, sarcastically trying to sound sweet and innocent, which is to say it ended up coming out sounding very creepy. Also, the way he was unconsciously baring his teeth at them didn't help.

"No, I absolutely refuse to allow it!"

"Oh bloody hell!" said Draco, "Will you just be quiet? It's not as if you have any choice."

"And why not?" Vernon asked.

"You just don't. It's part of the plot." 

And so the three of them got into the Dursley's car and drove to number four Pivett drive, or something. When they stepped into the house Draco looked around briefly, taking in the horrible décor. He was unable, however, to look around very much without seeing Dudley, as the teenaged muggle took up a significant amount of space in any room he inhabited. "Good lord," he said loudly when he first laid eyes on Dudley, "Is that a whale or a boy?"

"Oh!" Petunia gasped.

"No one's really sure," said Harry, glad to see someone else noted the similarity between Dudley and the large seafaring mammal. 

Dudley said, "What's that?" gesturing at Draco, "A boy or a lily?"

Harry was momentarily speechless. 

Draco wasn't, "Don't waste your time, Fatty, you're not good enough for me. I like my boyfriends somewhere in the range of normal human size. Not to mention, you're a muggle."

"Th-that wasn't what I meant!" Dudley exclaimed, horrified, "I meant, you're so pale and girlish."

Draco laughed. 

"Slap him father! Slap him!" said Dudley.

Vernon took a step towards the offending wizard, obviously intending to carry out his son's request.

"Come one step closer and I'll turn Lardy over here into an ant and we'll play a game called, 'Find Your Son before He's Crushed Underfoot.'" Draco said icily.

"Why you—" Vernon began but Petunia quickly shushed him out of concern for her son and fear of what Draco might do. 

"I'm going to start dinner," she said, "Harry, you and Draco can set the table."

Draco laughed, "If you think I'm doing _anything_ to help you, you've got to be out of your mind."

* * *

That evening at dinner everything was going smoothly. Draco felt right at home in the uncomfortable silence that was dinnertime at the Dursley's more often than not. Unfortunately, the silence was broken by Dudley whining, "Mum, we're out of butter."

"Oh dear, I'll go get some," Petunia dashed off to the kitchen.

"We started out with an entire stick of butter," said Draco.

"Well," Dudley huffed, "There were lots of things to put it on: bread, corn, potatoes, chicken, ham, turkey, pork, bacon…"

"Not that you ate any bread, corn or potatoes."

"Well, I'm a growing boy. I need my protein."

"That's right," said Petunia, placing the butter in front of him, "Don't you let that young man hurt your feelings, you're my special Duddykins."

Draco giggled, "Ooh, eat up Duddykins, suddenly your remarkable size makes a lot of sense."

Sensing an argument if thing kept on going the way they were headed, Harry said, "Draco, perhaps we should go back to my room for the rest of the evening."

"Fine," said Draco, disappointed at losing the chance to amuse himself further at Dudley's expense.

The two people of the male gender who had just finished eating dinner walked off to Harry's room.


	36. five deepfried hams a day

The next morning Draco woke up in Harry's bed. "Ngkh, where am I?" he asked.

"You're at the Dursley's," Harry said.

"Why?"

"I dunno, Dumbledore's a maniac. Seriously, what's with your morning amnesia?"

"I think it might have something to do with an accident I had as a child."

"I…see." 

Just then Dudley burst into the room, that is to say, squeezed his mammoth form through the narrow entrance. "Mum says you've got to get up!"

"Sod off," said Draco.

Dudley gasped, "I'm telling!"

"I don't bloody care."

"You—you…I'll make you sorry!" Dudley was becoming noticeably flustered. 

"I already am sorry. I'm pitifully sorry that I have to spend my entire summer in this _shed._ Seriously, where did you find all that terrible décor? Wal-Mart? It was all I could do not to pass out when I entered your shack for the first time. And for God's sake, how did you ever get so fat? What do you do, eat five deep-fried hams a day? I don't even know where to begin on that terrible wardrobe. Help me out, Potter, if you could sum up his outfit in one word what would it be?"

Harry said, "State fair."

This made Draco laugh quite a bit, "That's fantastic! State fair! You know, I went to one of those once. Father wanted me to see how stupid, fat muggles spent their time, I suppose it was so I'd hate them even more. That must be where you get all the deep-fried hams, eh Tons of Fun?"

By this time Dudley had turned a remarkable shade of purple and was sputtering incoherently. "You'll pay for this!" he finally managed to choke out. He ran out of the room, leaving Draco and Harry, in bed, laughing insanely. 

After a good half an hour of nonstop laughter (well not quite nonstop, sometimes they would sort of stop a little but then start laughing even harder than before), Harry noticed Ron's owl tapping at the window. Laughing all the way, Harry walked to the window, opened it, and took the letter off the owl. He sobered up a bit and began to read aloud:

__

Dear Harry,

I'm terribly sorry about you having to spend the whole summer with Draco. I suppose it's bad enough with the Dursleys…

Harry's letter reading was interrupted by another fit of laughter.

__

…but I didn't want to make it an entire loss by not letting you come to the burrow for the last two weeks. I guess we'll just have to deal with Draco, although the thought of him at my house makes me feel rather ill. 

Your Friend (Even when Draco's around),

Ron Weasley

"_What?!_" Draco hissed, "I have to spend _two weeks _at this—this _burrow?_ I think I'm going to be ill."

"Cheer up," said Harry, "It won't be so bad. You'll see." 

So, when summer was almost over, Draco and Harry found themselves at the burrow, with the Weasleys. "Oh God, I'm so bored," Draco said one night at dinner while beating his head against the table mournfully. 

Mrs. Weasley, whose patience, by this time, was wearing thin, said, "Well, perhaps we can find some gardening for you to do."

Draco looked at her with an expression of horror and said, "Oh dear God, you've got to be off your gourd. If you think I'm going to do anything try to make this barn look better…I mean, that would be like trying to dry the Pacific Ocean with a wash cloth."

"I'm sorry I brought him," said Harry.

"It's all right, dear," Mrs. Weasley reassured, "You had no choice."

"I'm going to bloody kill Dumbledore when I get back to school," said Ron.

"Not before I get to him," said Draco.

Percy look absolutely scandalized, "Don't talk about _Albus Dumbledore _that way!"

"If you only knew how creepy and voyeuristic he is…" said Draco, shuddering. 

Everyone got somewhat flustered after Draco's comment, except for Harry, who just looked vaguely depressed. "I'm going to bed," said the young man with glasses and a shirt. 

"As am I," said the blonde person wearing pants. 

Harry and Draco reached the bedroom they were sharing and sat on some rather worn, red chairs. 

"So…" said Harry.

Draco just raised an eyebrow. He began to feel very bored, 'Oh man,' he thought, 'I've got to think of something to counteract my boredom.' Just then he had a brilliant idea, "Brilliant!" he exclaimed. 

"What?" asked Harry.

Instead of answering, Draco closed the space between them and kissed Harry. When he pulled his head away he caught a glimpse of someone standing outside the window, or rather, floating, since they were upstairs.

Apparently Harry saw as well and said, "Who could that be?"

Draco was about to say that he wasn't sure but then he saw a twinkle come from the eyes of the mysterious voyeur. "Oh sweet bloody Jesus on a cross," he said, "It's Dumbledore."

"Good Lord," said Harry as he walked to the window. Unfortunately, before he could demand an explanation from the headmaster, he flew away, beard streaming in the wind. 

"Well," said Draco, "I was thinking we could shag but if that wasn't a turn off, I don't know what is."

"Yeah," said Harry, "Maybe tomorrow." 

And, on that note, they went to bed. 


	37. something caught in Harry's orb

When Harry woke up the next morning he was surprised to see Ron standing over him, glaring. "What is it Ron?" he asked.

"I'm angry," said the red-haired person. 

"Yes, I could tell by your glaring. What's wrong?"

"I'm upset that you're sleeping in a bed with Draco and not me."

"You sleep in a room with two other people, I think it would get a bit crowded. And besides, I've been sleeping in here with Draco all week. Why did you wait 'til now to say something?"

"It never occurred to me until now."

"You're rather thick aren't you?" said Draco, waking up.

"I am not!" said Ron.

"Yes you are. You should have realized by now that Harry sleeps with me because we like to 'have a good time' together. In bed. Alone." 

"Alone?" Ron asked suggestively. 

"Yes," said Draco.

"Oh," Ron said dejectedly. He proceeded to leave the room, head hanging, hair drooping, ears flopping…wait no…

Anyway, when Ron was gone Harry said to Draco, "Did you have to tell him that?"

"Oh don't worry, he's so thick he probably won't even figure out what I meant. And you walked in on us…so why would it matter what he knows about?"

"I suppose you're right."

"I'm always right because I'm so fabulous."

* * * 

__

Back at Hogwarts, at dinner…

Draco sat at his table feeling bored. He began to stare into space and was startled when Harry came up to him and said, "Hello…why do you look so startled?"

"No reason."

"I see." 

"So…"

"Well, I'm going to go back to my table."

"All right."

Harry began to walk away and Crabbe turned to Draco, "What?" he asked indignantly, "Would you rather talk to him than me?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Draco.

"I've seen the way you've been looking at him! Like you'd rather shag him than me!"

"I would actually."

"Oh!" Crabbe gasped and then slapped Draco.

Draco stood up and looked at Crabbe coldly, "I'm sorry, Crabbe, were you under the impression that there was something between us?"

"Don't give me that! You know what's between us, the kiss we shared!"

"Shared? This is ridiculous," he turned to Harry, who had turned back to watch Crabbe's horrifying display of possession, "Potter, I'm going to sit at your table."

"Ok," said Harry and the two confused Homo Sapiens walked off to the Gryffindor table. 

As they were sitting down, they tried to ignore Ron's horrified expression. This, however, became impossible when he said, "Harry, I can understand you two spending time together when Dumbledore forces you to and the 'bedroom activities' because, let's face it, Draco's a demon in the sack but, honestly, what is he doing sitting at our table?"

"Crabbe was being sort of creepy," Harry explained.

"What did he do?" asked Hermione.

"He seems to think that he and Draco are a couple and was being rather possessive."

"Oh great Potter! Just tell everyone every little embarrassing detail of my life!" said Draco sarcastically.

"Oh but Draco," Hermione gasped, "That's dreadful, Crabbe shouldn't do that! Does he have any reason at all to think you're dating?"

"Well, there was the one time when he kissed me but I was unconscious at the time and when I came to I fought him off."

"I think you should report him to Dumbledore," she said.

"Oh _that's _a great idea," the sarcasm returned. 

"Well, why not? He'd know what to do."

"I'm sure he all ready knows all about it. Wait a minute…didn't you all ready know all about my 'busy day?' Yes…I distinctly remember, Dumbledore told you about every one I shagged."

"Well, that was so many chapters back, you can hardly expect me to remember everything that happens in this inane plot."

"True, true. Let's go back to our room, Harry, I'm bored of talking to Granger."

"Ok," said the bespectacled, quidditch-playing, butter beer drinking, frequently confused lad and off they went. 

When they got to their room Draco noticed that Harry was rubbing his eye rather intensely. "Potter, what on earth are you doing?"

"I have something in my orb!"

"Your orb?" Draco choked.

"That's odd. I haven't the slightest idea why I called my eye that. Hmm, must be the weather."

"Why would it be the weather?"

"Who knows? Good night," Harry got into bed and immediately fell asleep, leaving Draco to wonder why he was going to bed so early, in his clothes, for no reason at all. 


	38. more of the uber moron, Crabbe

The next morning Draco awoke to find Crabbe sitting on top of him. "Oh bloody hell!" he yelled when he figured out what was going on.

"What?" asked Crabbe, "I just wanted to make sure you're not cheating on me with Potter."

"Cheating on you? That's the stupidest thing ever! I don't even like you. I only use you to break people's legs for me and stuff like that but I don't even find that important enough to want to sleep with you."

"Draco, Draco when will you see that you're mine?"

"When I go insane."

Crabbe decided to take a slightly different, yet equally stupid, tack, "You're forgetting that I'm the only one in this school who'll even talk to you. You might as well settle for what you can get."

Draco laughed, "What, did you read a book on how to be manipulative or something?"

"Maybe…"

"I thought so, you see, only a person who's as dumb as you are would say that to me. It's wildly inaccurate and does nothing to sway me. You should know that I'm far to secure in my popularity." Draco chuckled and said, "You can go now."

Crabbe hit him on the face and watched as Draco's mirth disappeared and was replaced by an icy expression. 

"I think you should leave."

"I think you should admit that you belong to me."

Draco raised an eyebrow. "Leave now."

Just then Harry woke up and was surprised to see Crabbe sitting on Draco, "Crabbe, what are you doing?"

"It's none of your business."

"I don't think Draco wants you there."

"I think you should leave Draco alone to make up his own decisions."

"Fine, whatever."

"See that Draco," said Crabbe, "He doesn't care about you enough to help you! I bet you could scream as loud as you wanted and no one would come to help you."

"This is absolutely inane," said Draco.

"I agree," said Harry, "It's also quite boring, why don't you just leave, Crabbe? Draco and I have to get dressed."

"I'm not leaving."

Harry raised his wand and said, "_Leavicus_," and Crabbe was forced from the room. "Well, I'm glad he's gone," said Harry when the door was about three-quarters of the way shut – not that it matters, "And you call_ Ron _thick."

"He is."

Harry thought for a moment, then, "Yeah, I suppose."

Draco smirked. "I'm going to get dressed."

"Have fun." Harry got dressed as well and then sat in a chair and said, "Oh man, I'm so bored."

"Maybe we should go down to breakfast," said Draco, coming back from the bathroom.

"Ok," said Harry and soon they were walking down the moronic, moving stairs.

"These stairs are pointless," said Draco as they waited for one to realign itself, "I mean, for Christ's sake, what do you think the founders had in mind when they built these? Did they think it would be fun?"

"I have no idea," Harry sighed, it was too early in the morning to be discussing Draco's minor grievances. Soon they reached the food eating hall (A/N: I'm still to lazy to see if that room has a name, if anyone wants to tell me what it is they can) and sat down. 

Draco decided to sit at the Gryffindor table again because he didn't really feel like dealing with Crabbe again that day. However, about five minutes into breakfast, Crabbe came lumbering over to the table and slapped some guy who was talking to Draco. Although, no one knows who that person was because who at the Gryffindor table talks to Draco, besides Harry and the like? "Don't talk to my boyfriend!" he exclaimed.

"Your boyfriend?" Draco shrieked, "I'm nobody's boyfriend and I'd really appreciate it if you'd get that through your thick head eventually."

"Don't talk to me like that!" said Crabbe, slapping Draco, "I'll make you pay."

"This is absurd," said Draco, "You've got to stop going around slapping people right and left, it's just bad manners."

"I'll show you bad manners!" said Crabbe and then evidently couldn't think of anything to follow that moronic statement so he walked away. 


	39. Harry's undergarments

A/N: A good deal of the plot for this one (the underwear part) was from Chauncy and Fafner, AKA my brother and his friend.

Later that day, Draco was strolling about. He was just reaching the middle of his delightful stroll when some unforgivable individual, namely Crabbe, decided it best to jump on top of him right in front of everyone. "Oh bugger!" Draco exclaimed.

"You'd like me to bugger you?" asked Crabbe.

"No, you daft prat, I've got mud all over my robes now. I hope you're happy, you've disturbed my stroll and now I have to go change."

"Can I watch?" 

Draco ignored this comment and went off in search of his room. When he got there, he opened the door and walked in (this past sentence was really boring and obvious). He was startled to find Ron crouched by Harry's chest rummaging through his undergarments. 

"What in God's name are you doing?" 

"Stealing Harry's underwear, you won't tell, will you? He never notices."

"That's disturbing," said Draco, choosing not to answer Ron's question, "And you're wearing his bathrobe?" Ron was indeed wearing a bathrobe with the name, 'Harry Potter,' embroidered on the front.

"Don't be silly," was the redhead's reply, "Harry doesn't have his name embroidered on his clothes. This is my robe."

"So…you're obsessed with him then?"

"Well, it's nothing sexual…he's just my idol."

"So then why are you stealing his boxers?"

"Ok…you got me, it is _somewhat_ sexual."

Draco, bored of the conversation, went into the bathroom, muttering. When he reached the private bathroom that he and Harry shared he noticed that all the towels had been rifled through and quite a few had been stolen. "Weasley!" he called, "Have you been stealing the towels as well?"

Ron stepped into the room, looking sheepish, "No…"

Draco gave him a stern look.

"Yes," he admitted.

"Why? Most of these aren't even Harry's towels."

"Oh, well _that_ has nothing to do with him being my idol. I was just running low on towels."

"The school supplies them, you could ask for more."

"I hate to bother anyone."

"I'll get Goyle to break your legs if you don't stop stealing from Harry and me."

"Why not Crabbe as well?" Ron asked.

"That _is_ a very stupid question but I'll answer anyway. He's been even creepier than you lately."

"Hmm," said Ron, "Well, I'd best be off." He began to walk towards the door but was intercepted by a bit of lint and fell to the ground, pairs of stolen underwear cascading from his pockets. 

At that amusing moment, Harry Potter just happened to enter the room. "Ron," he began, "Why are you surrounded by my underwear?"

"He was stealing them!" cried Draco, as if he had just figured it out, "That pervert."

"Is this true?" he asked Ron.

"Well…yes," was the answer, "But it's not what you think."

"It isn't…?" Harry naïvely asked (cliché!).

"Don't listen to him," said Draco.

"Well," said Harry, "I suppose I'll let it go this time—provided you give the underwear back—but if I catch you doing it again, I'll be very disappointed in you."

"Ok," said Ron, fondling the name embroidered on his robe, "I'll just be going." And go he did.

"You shouldn't have let him off like that," said Draco a moment later, "I could've had Goyle break his legs for you."

"No, no. It's really all right," said Harry, collecting the underwear off the floor and putting it back in the chest.

"All right," said Draco, "I'm going to take a bath." He went off into the bathroom, leaving Harry alone to reflect on his terrible angst and heartbreak…no wait…that's not right. Harry was fine. He went to bed. 

The next morning, at breakfast Neville walked over to where Harry was sitting with Ron, Hermione and Draco, who was still hiding from Crabbe. "Hi," he said. 

Harry looked up to say hello and noticed that Neville had a large rat stuck to his face. "Hello, Neville," he said, politely ignoring the rat.

Draco glanced up, saw the rat and started laughing hysterically, as was his way.

"I know what you're thinking…" Neville began.

Draco interrupted, "That you're a huge moron and if you're ever allowed to procreate the world will be in shambles?"

"Well…not exactly, but I can explain the rat. I was getting dressed this morning when I saw a small tub of paste on a shelf in the bathroom…long story short, I rubbed some on my face and low and behold, this rat appeared."

By this time Harry and Draco were both laughing so hard that it wouldn't be surprising if they fainted from lack of air. 

"Harry, I'm ashamed of you," said Hermione in a shocked voice, "Laughing at poor Neville like that! It's not his fault."

"Yes it is," said Draco, "If he weren't so inanely stupid he wouldn't be in this mess. I mean, sweet Jesus, who rubs mysterious paste on their face?"

"Draco has a very valid point," said Harry, giggling.

"You shouldn't spend so much time with Draco, he's rubbing off on you," said Hermione.

"God willing," said Draco.

"Well none of this helps my rat problem!" Neville cried.

"Don't worry Neville," Hermione said soothingly, "I'll see if I can find you a cure. You'll be back to normal in no time."

"Thanks," he sniffed. 

"Well that was silly," said Draco cheerily while Neville was slouching off to his chair.

"I heard that," said Neville.

"They always do…" Draco sighed before saying, "You have to admit, it _is _silly."

Neville just glared and waddled away.

This time Draco waited until Neville was out of earshot before he said to Harry, "Dudley's waddle is more pronounced, wouldn't you say?"

"Oh yes, I agree," Harry agreed. 

"_Really_, Harry, you've just _got _to stop hanging around Draco. You two are practically _friends_ now," Hermione seemed rather put out.

"We are not!" said Harry.

"Well they _are_ sleeping together," Ron mumbled. 

"Harry's just beginning to develop a better sense of humor," said Draco.

"Right," said Hermione, "Next he'll be going to Slytherin parties and having a jolly time killing bystanders and then you two can have a good laugh about it later! You'll say, 'Ah what a lark, killing people is,' and he'll say, 'Yes I can't believe I spent so many years of my life doing boring things like quidditch and snogging when I could have been killing people all this time."

"Nonsense," said Draco, "We'll still save time for snogging amongst all the killing, won't we Harry?"

"I imagine we'll be able to work it into our busy schedules."

"Oh! I don't think you grasp the seriousness of the situation!" said Hermione, looking almost like she was about to cry.

"Cheer up," said Harry, "We're only joking…"

"Are we?" Draco interrupted.

"Don't worry, Hermione, I promise I won't go all evil."

"If you do, I shall have to kill you," she sniffed.

"Well this is becoming downright sappy," said Draco.

"Will you still be my friend?" asked Ron, sounding a bit like a three-year-old.

"Of course, Ron…hey, where'd you get that sweater with my name knit into the front?"

Ron looked sheepish, "I got Neville to crochet it for me."

Harry looked a little uncomfortable, "I see…"

"Anyway," said Draco, "I'm going to the store today."

"Are you?" said Harry conversationally.

"No," Draco admitted.

"Then why did you say you were?"

"It's very early in the morning," said Draco, as if that made any sense. Although, if you think about it, maybe it sort of did.

"Ok."

There was some silence for awhile but it wasn't as uncomfortable as other silences had been, such as dinner at the Malfoy's, if you even remember…there are so many chapters.

Just then someone ran by yelling, "Asstastic!" 

"Well, that was…different," said Hermione.

"This whole school has become bloody unsettling," said Draco, "First you've got Snape doing God knows what in secret rooms and then Dumbledore's a dirty old man…not to mention Crabbe and Weasley. And seriously, where the hell does Henry always go off to? He's got more insane, yet oddly boring relatives than you can shake a pointed stick at but that doesn't excuse abandoning me with every lunatic at Hogwarts all the time!"

"Are you quite finished?" asked Hermione.

"Yes," Draco said sullenly. 

"Good, I have some important questions to ask you about some notes we got in Potions the other day. I copied what Snape said down word for word but when I read it over it didn't make any sense."

"I don't really feel like going over—"

Hermione cut him off, "Here, I'll give you an example. Now remember, this is word for word:

Open your text to page three hundred and fifty-nine and sing with me, 'There's a 

bird outside my window/ there's a bird out there indeed…' Well, that was fun,

wasn't it? Oh…yes indeed. I'm having a conniption! Look at me I'm Sandra Dee…

And then it goes on in the same vein for quite some time. What am I to make of this? Do you think it'll be on the test?" she looked at Draco questioningly.

"Bloody swot," he muttered under his breath. 

"What was that?" she asked sharply.

Thinking quickly, he said, "Umm…wanker."

"What? That's not very nice and it's not a very good cover up. It doesn't sound anything like what you actually said."

"Look. Just don't pay any attention to the stupid things Snape has been saying. He's off his rocker."

"You shouldn't talk about a professor that way."

"Oh come on, you hate Snape."

"Oh yeah, I forgot."

They went back to silently eating breakfast…for the time being…duh duh duh! …I'm just kidding, that meant nothing. 

After awhile, Harry looked up and said, "This breakfast sure is taking awhile, isn't it?"

"I've lost all sense of time passing, as this story makes no sense most of the time," Draco replied.

"Hmm," said Harry.

"Snarffle," said Ron.

"What?" asked Dean.

"What are you doing here, Dean?" asked Harry.

"Well, I go to school here, don't I?"

"Yeah. It's just I haven't seen much of you lately and you haven't really been in our conversation at all."

"Oh. Right. Sorry," Dean sadly turned away. 

"Oh no," said Harry, "I didn't mean it like that. You're welcome to join us."

"Thanks," said Dean, brightening, "But actually I've got to get to class."

"Oh yeah, I should do that as well. Come along, Draco."

Draco and Harry walked off and Hermione turned to Ron, "Remember when he used to walk with _us_ to class."

"Yeah…" he wistfully sighed as they watched the two former enemies exit the room together. 

* * * 

Draco and Harry arrived a few minutes late for class but fortunately no one noticed (for some reason). They sat down on opposite sides of the room and proceed to glare at each other through the entire class. That is, until the teacher (who cares which one?) said, "Malfoy, Potter, will you please stop glaring at each other and _try_ to pay attention to what I'm saying."

"Sorry," said Harry, turning to face the front of the room. However, a few moments of the insanely boring professor were all he could take and he quickly went back to glaring at Draco. 

"Jesus," said Pansy, who also was making her first appearance in this story, "Am I the only one who can sense the sexual tension between these two?" meaning Harry and Draco (obviously).

It was unanimous that every one could and so she felt a lot less alone. Harry and Draco felt uncomfortable. Everyone else felt somewhat hungry and vaguely amused.

"I think it's safe to say that every one is sort of hungry," said some random kid in the back row.

"We just had breakfast for about five hours!" said Draco, who wasn't at all hungry. 

"True…" said the random kid, stoking a llama.

"I'm going insane," Draco declared.

"Either that or everyone else is," said Harry.


	40. Draco's eyelashes go for miles

"Yes," said Draco, "I'm inclined to go with you on that." Then he said, "Is this class over yet?"

"Quiet, Draco!" said the professor, "Twenty points from Slytherin!"

"I was only asking a simple question."

"You should have raised your hand. Take Mr. Longbottom, for example. Do you ever see him, not raising his hand?"

"It's true," said Neville, "I always raise my hand."

"That's because you're a wanker," said Draco.

"Are you feeling all right?" asked Harry, "That comment was distinctly below par."

"You're right," Draco looked astonished, "Perhaps I should go see Madame Pomphrey." 

"Yes, come on, then." Harry helped Draco up and walked him out of the room.

When they reached Madame Pomphrey's…area Harry said, "Madame Pomphrey, Madame Pomphrey, I think Draco's ill!"

"What are the symptoms?" she asked.

"Well, Neville said, 'I always raise my hand,' and then Draco said, 'That's because you're a wanker.'"

"Oh dear!" she gasped, "This is serious."

They both looked at Draco, who was becoming rather pale. "Here, drink this," she said to him.

"I don't know, it looks a bit dodgy," Draco frowned, looking at the strange white broth with bits of something brown floating in it.

"Nonsense," said the motherly witch, "It'll clear up whatever trouble you're having."

He looked at Harry pleadingly.

"Don't look at me," said Harry, "You've got to drink it. Unless, of course, you'd rather resort to calling people who annoy you 'wankers' all your life."

"You're right," Draco shuddered. He clenched his eyes shut, took a deep breath and downed the potion. "Glachck!" he exclaimed, throwing the vial across the room, "That was the worst thing I've ever tasted…and I've tried your aunt's cooking, Harry."

Harry smiled, seeing the old Draco begin to return (and by old, it means from about a half an hour ago). 

"Now," said Madame Pomphrey, "I want you to stay in bed until tomorrow morning and you'll be back to normal by lunch time tomorrow."

"Lunch time tomorrow?" Draco cried, "What if Neville should happen to walk by, or Ron…or what if Harry's cousin pops by for a visit? Dear God, what will I do?"

Harry grinned, "I don't think there's any chance of Dudley 'popping by' but I'll make sure Neville and Ron stay away until you're better."

Draco looked momentarily relieved but the look soon vanished and was replaced by one of mild fear, "What about Colin and Crabbe?"

"I'll protect you from them as well."

"Excellent."

When the got to their room Draco quickly got into bed, "Tuck me in, Harry?"

"I don't see why your condition should have anything to go with your abilities to get into bed properly."

"Don't argue with me, I'm not up to it."

"Fine." Harry tucked Draco in and then walked to a chair by a desk and sat down and began to work on his homework. 

After about five minutes Draco said, "Don't you need to be in class?" 

"Meh," said Harry and went back to his homework. 

Draco, not really caring whether Harry missed class or not, went to sleep.

The next morning he became vaguely aware of something pushing on his shoulder, shaking him violently. 

"Draco, wake up!" said Harry irritably.

"You don't need to be so violent."

"Well, you sleep like a bloody log! I've been trying to wake you for the past fifteen minutes."

"It must be the potion, I'm normally a rather light sleeper."

"Whatever, I don't care. We've got to get to class."

"All right, all right. Give me a minute."

Ten minutes later, Harry and Draco arrived in Potions.

"This is absurd," said Draco, "When exactly is this class supposed to take place? It seems like we're always here, no matter what the time of day. We didn't even have breakfast this morning."

"Find your seat," said Snape.

"That all you've got?" asked Harry.

"Thirty points from Gryffindor."

"Harry, really," Hermione gasped.

Harry and Draco sat down. Class went on for what seemed like nine hours and Draco paid very little attention. In fact, all he really heard was, "Blah, blah, blah…classity class class…potions…Neville, stop balancing the toad on your head…no, I haven't got a lemur…" and so on. 'Wait a minute!' he thought, '"I haven't got a lemur?" What on earth is Snape talking about? That man is a _loon_!' He was about to ask about the strange comment but was unable to because at that moment class ended. He began to walk to the door when he saw Neville approaching him cautiously.

"Umm…Draco," said the ridiculously pathetic boy, "I was wondering if you had any potions that might counteract a…swelling that I seem to have developed."

"Oh dear God, Longbottom, if I have to hear anything more about your _problem_ I shall be forced to stab myself in the heart, and I'm taking you with me."

"Hey, Draco," said Harry cheerfully, "You're making a fast recovery."

"Just get this abomination away from me."

Harry chuckled, "Neville, perhaps you should leave Draco alone for awhile, he's not in a very good mood."

"Is he ever?" Neville muttered as he walked away. 

"You know," said Draco, "When I first met Neville, I almost felt sorry for him, what with his name being Neville Longbottom and all but then I realized how well he fits the name and all of my pity vanished. I became rather jaded, in fact."

"Maybe he just sort of grew into the name."

"That's a possibility I don't care to think about."

"All right, is it time for lunch?"

"I don't think so. We've only just finished one class."

"I know but it's so hard to tell sometimes."

"Yeah. Hey, why don't we go snog in the lavatory?"

"What about class?"

"To quote one Harold James Potter, 'Meh,'"

"Ok."

And off they went. 

About an hour later a small first year by the name of Twinkie was wandering the halls and suddenly had the desire to wash his hands. He walked into the nearest lavatory and made his way to the sink. As he was washing his hands he heard some strange noises coming from the corner. He went to investigate. This was not at all difficult because all he had to do was turn around. 

After he had turned around he was shocked to find his idol, Harry Potter rather tangled up with the despicable, Draco Malfoy. "What are you doing?" he asked in his cute first year voice.

"What does it look like?" asked Draco.

Twinkie burst into tears and said, "I want my mummy. I want my teddy bear, Wandle! I want a dwink of water!" 

"There, there little boy," said Harry, "What's your name? If you tell me, I can help you find Randle."

"I'm Twinkie."

"You're a first year?" asked Draco.

"Yes," said Twinkie, sucking his thumb.

"You seem a bit young."

"All the first years seem young," said Harry.

"Yeah, I guess," Draco shrugged.

"Well, I'm going to help Twinkie find his bear…"

"Wandle," Twinkie interjected.

"Yes, Randle. Do you want to come along."

"No. I'd rather be in class."

"All right," Harry and Twinkie walked off to find "Wandle."

Draco decided to take a stroll, because why go to class when there are so many halls just begging to be strolled through? 

He had been walking for a good eight minutes when he literally ran into Neville. Unfortunately, Neville was carrying a flask of some pink, sparkly potion and all of it landed on Draco. "You prat!" Draco exclaimed, "Now I'm all sparkly."

Neville had a look of unaccountable horror on his face and he quickly dashed away. 

'That was odd,' thought Draco as he went to his room to clean up. 

Fifteen minutes later Harry returned to his room to find a strange, blonde girl, who had an uncanny resemblance to Draco, standing in front of the mirror, looking like she was about to cry at any moment. 

"Hello," said Harry, "Who are you?"

"Let's just say," began the girl, "I should have killed Longbottom years ago."

"Draco? Dear God…it can't be," Harry was feeling faint.

"Oh…yes, it's me. Damn that stupid, stupid boy with his ridiculous toad and his moronic ineptitude when dealing with potions!"

Much to Draco's dismay, Harry began a fit of uncontrollable laughter. After about five minutes he – or rather, she – said, "Are you quite finished?"

Harry tried to speak but found that he couldn't. Finally, after a few more minutes, he managed to say, "You stay here, I'll look for an antidote."

"What? Do you honestly think I'm going to go mincing about the halls in this condition?"

"No," Harry said, his mouth twitching, "I'll be back with a cure."

"You'd damn well better be," said Draco, as Harry dashed for the door, trying to control his giggling. 'Oh, well,' he – or once again, she – thought when Harry was gone, 'I suppose I'll have to amuse my self in the meantime by trying on dresses.'

Meanwhile, Harry was finding himself in a rather awkward position. 

"Why, exactly do you need a potion for that, Mr. Potter?" asked Snape.

"Well…umm…someone has sort of turned himself into a girl by mistake and I'm just trying to help."

"Oh really? And who might this person be?" 

"I can't tell you. I've been sworn to secrecy."

"Very well," Snape sighed, losing interest, "Here you go."

"Thanks," Harry said before rushing out of the room.

When Harry returned to his room he was surprised to find Draco wearing a dress and gazing at herself admiringly in one of the many full-length mirrors that adorned her side of the room. (Draco had once explained that it's necessary to see one's self from every possible angle to ensure perfection). 

"Where did you get that dress?" Harry was hoping that Draco didn't have a secret collection of women's clothing.

"I borrowed it from Pansy."

"Hmm, well I got the antidote."

"Fantastic, just set it on the dresser, will you?"

"Don't you want to take it now?"

"No. I'd like to look in the mirror some more."

"I think you're enjoying this."

"Well, come on Harry, _look_ at these eyelashes! They go for miles!" 

Harry stepped closer to Draco and looked appraisingly at her eyelashes. "You're right! They do!" 

And so Harry and Draco spent a few hours putting makeup and dresses on Draco's new girl-body. 


	41. the frame of doom and faux fur

A/N: Has anyone seen Escape from Witch Mountain or Return to Witch Mountain (I think those are the correct titles)? I really feel like watching those. Anyway, that has nothing to do with anything.

Eventually, the two Hogwarts attendees grew tired of playing dress up and Draco took the antidote. "Well, that was entertaining," he said. 

"Yes, it was indeed. My favorite part was your hair."

"I'm still hung up on the eyelashes."

Just then some one came in and told them that Dumbledore wanted to talk to them. 

"I hope it's nothing creepy," Draco said.

"Yes," Harry agreed, putting on a hat.

When they arrived in the headmaster's office he motioned for them to sit down and said, "Lemon drop?"

"No," said Draco. 

Harry also politely refused.

"Chocolate frog?"

"No."

"Licorice?"

"No."

"Butter cookie?"

"No."

"Sandalwood ice-cream?"

"No."

"Monkey tart?"

"Ick, no."

"Turkish delight?"

"No," Draco was strongly reminded of a certain White Witch.

"Hasselhoff meringue?"

"No." 

"Buttery biscuit?"

"No."

"Raspberry rose cake?"

"No."

"Bonbon?"

"No."

"Cookie?"

"No."

"Pound cake?"

"No."

"Brownie?"

"No."

"Torte?"

"No."

"Treacle?"

"No."

"Semolina?"

"No."

"Flan?"

"No." 

"Cupcake?"

"No."

"Cauldron cake?"

"No. Look, I'm really not hungry."

"All right, all right, down to business…"

"Yes?"

"I seem to have forgotten what the business was."

"Ok…we'll just be going then."

"Have fun. Are you sure you don't want a peppermint twist?"

But Harry and Draco were already gone. 

"That man is obsessed with sweets," said Draco as they were walking back to their room.

"That's quite an understatement."

"Yes, well, at least I didn't say he was 'fond of them.'" 

"True, that would've been rather absurd."

"Indeed."

Just then a strange man walked over and said, "Am I in Hogwarts?"

"Yes," said Harry.

"Gasp," said the man, "Are you The Boy Who Lived?"

"Umm, yes. How could you tell? I'm wearing a hat."

"I felt it in my bones."

"Oh. I see." Harry looked rather unsettled.

The man said, "Could you tell me where Dumbledore's office is?"

"I wouldn't go in there," said Draco.

"Why not?"

"He's busy stuffing himself with sweets and he'll drag you with him."

"Oh. Well, I should probably go anyway. You see, I'm the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher."

"I wondered when we'd be getting a new one of those," said Harry, "Well, best of luck. Try not to get killed or go insane, unless, of course, you're evil. In which case, feel free to do both."

"Umm, thanks," said the new teacher, whose name I haven't mentioned yet. Harry told him where Dumbledore's office was and he went off in that direction.

Harry and Draco started walking somewhere when they were intercepted by Ron and Hermione, "Harry," said Hermione, "Why haven't you been in class today?"

"I was busy."

"Doing what? What could possible be more important than going to class?"

"Well, Neville made a mess and I had to take care of it."

"Why can't Neville take care of his own messes?"

"That bastard," said Ron angrily, "He has no right to treat you like this! What did he do?"

Harry tried not to pay attention to Draco glaring at him, daring him to tell Ron and Hermione what happened, "Umm," he said, "I don't remember."

"You don't remember?" Hermione said incredulously.

"Yeah."

"I don't believe you."

"I just don't…I swear I'm telling the truth."

She raised an eyebrow at him.

"I swear!" he said.

"I'll get to the bottom of this, come on Ron, we have to go to class. _Some _of us still want to graduate."

Harry watched them walk away before he said to Draco, "Perhaps we ought to go to class as well."

"I guess," Draco shrugged.

They began walking and after a moment Harry said, "What class do we have now?"

"I don't know, potions seems like a safe bet."

"Yeah."

Soon they arrived in Potions and found the classroom filled with second years. "What are you two doing here?"

"Oh, sorry. Our mistake," said Draco and they left the room quickly, hoping to avoid points being taken off their houses.

"Well now what do we do?" asked Harry.

"I don't know, we could always sneak off and go shopping. I was thinking about buying another mirror for my side of the room; I noticed that there was a spot on the wall looking positively _bare_." 

"As much fun as mirror shopping sounds…I think I'd rather be dead."

"I can arrange for that," said a mysterious man with a hood, stepping out of a dark corner.

"Wha…?" said Harry, sounding bewildered.

"I think he means that he's going to try to kill you," Draco explained.

"Oh," said Harry.

"That's right," said the hooded stranger, "And I might kill Draco as well."

"Ooh, I'm really scared," said Draco sarcastically.

"Then you're a wise boy," said the man, oblivious to the sarcasm. 

Draco rolled his eyes expertly and said, "Look, if you don't mind, will you just move out of the way so we can get to class?"

"No," the homicidal hall-walker said, "I was planning on killing you, remember?"

"Oh yeah, about that…how about if you just jump out the window instead."

"Ok," the man walked to a near by window and jumped out. Unfortunately, they were on the first floor and so he quickly climbed back in, saying, "Haha suckers! You thought I was dead!"

"No…" said Draco and then he and Harry ran away. 

Finally they reached their room and shut the door. "That was absolutely absurd," said Harry.

"Yes," Draco agreed, "I wonder who that man was." Then he walked over to the wall on his side of the room and stood, gazing forlornly at a spot that wasn't covered by a mirror.

Harry saw this and said, "Oh if it bothers you that much, I suppose we can go shopping."

"Ok," Draco said gleefully, dashing towards the door.

Soon they were at the mirror shop (it was called Mendle-Bamblebrock's Mirror House – or something equally stupid). "Man, what a stupid name this place has," said Draco as they walked in. He began to walk around, looking at all of the mirrors. "Oh God," he said, "Harry, look at this one."

Harry walked over to where Draco was standing and nearly choked in disgust when he saw the mirror Draco was looking at. It had a "gold" frame with faux fur padding the corners. At the top and bottom there were what appeared to be little, laminated bottle caps and some sort of decoupage. "Oh dear Lord," he muttered, "That is the single most tacky thing I have ever seen, I mean, who laminates bottle caps?"

"I don't know if I've ever seen anything worse in my whole life," Draco said breathlessly. 

"Ah," said a plump woman with a ridiculous amount of pins in her hair said, walking over to them, "I see you're admiring the _Glauganeir._" Apparently she meant the hideous mirror, "That piece was done by a local artist. Stunning, isn't it?"

Harry and Draco stared at her in disbelief. Finally, Draco managed to get his wits about him enough to say, "Stunning? You're _mad_! That is the most hideous thing I have ever seen. It's an absolute travesty. I wish I were dead, just looking at it. I mean, sweet Mother of God, what is wrong with the artist who made that? Were they on some sort of idiotic substance that renders the user completely unable to distinguish between art and the sort of thing you find at a suburban art fair? If so, the person is a moron and should _not _be admitted into polite society. And _what_ is the matter with you? Why would you allow something like that into a perfectly respectable shop? I can think of no reason, perhaps you'd like to enlighten me…" he paused, waiting for her to speak.

She stammered, unable to answer his demanding inquiry.

"…I didn't think you'd be able to come up with anything. I wouldn't expect you to have any worthwhile thought in your head after being subjected to horrors like that mirror day in and day out. That's not to say I don't blame you, it's you're fault for purchasing that tragedy and allowing it to remain in your store. Not that you'd be able to get rid of it, the mere thought of anyone buying that _thing_ sends me into fits of laughter," however Draco was not laughing. He was standing with his arms crossed, glaring at the shop lady. 

Just then a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and some Bermuda shorts walked over and said, "My, my, would you look at that charming mirror. I think it's the fur that does it, is that real? It looks real."

"You moron!" Draco said, "It's so obviously fake! Look at it, you don't even need to feel it to know it's fake! Look at the plastic shine! Look at the plastic shine!" 

"Well," said the man cheerily, "It must cost a fortune, is that frame solid gold?"

Draco swayed a little, looking like he might throw up, pass out or both, "It's plastic," he growled dangerously. 

The man chuckled, "Well, I'll take it." He walked off with the shop lady and the mirror.

Draco passed out. 

"Oh dear," said Harry, but he had wisely brought a bottle of smelling salts with him (he brought them because of an experience the last time they went shopping that I don't care to get into). He waved the bottle under Draco's nose until the Slytherin's eyelids began to flutter (what a moronic word – flutter). 

"What happened?" Draco asked as he came to.

"Well you were…" Harry thought of a way to tell him without sending him into another fit, "…distraught."

"Oh."

Harry was glad that Draco didn't seem to remember but the look of horror that passed Draco's face told him that that was not meant to last. "Calm down, it's not that bad," he said soothingly, "Just try not to think about it."

Draco looked on the verge of hyperventilation when he saw a mirror that had a tasteful mahogany frame with delicate carvings. "Oh that one looks good," he said.

Harry sighed in relief and they went to go purchase the mirror. 


	42. return of the homicidal hall walker

When Draco got the mirror back to the dorm, he hung it in the vacant spot on the wall. "Now I can see my self wherever I turn! Unless I look over to your side of the room." Draco finished the statement by glaring at Harry.

"Well, I'm sorry if I find it hard to be as amused by my own reflection as you are," Harry said.

"My dear Potter," said Draco mockingly, "I'm not amused by _your_ reflection."

"Ha, ha," Harry said humorlessly. 

Just then, their conversation was interrupted by someone entering the room, laughing menacingly. "Muahahaha!" said the person, "It is I, the Homicidal Hall-Walker, and I have returned…to kill you!"

"How terribly frightening," said Draco sarcastically, "I suppose you've brought a wand this time?"

"No…what's a wand?" asked the Hall-Walker with murderous intent. 

"Sweet Lord," Draco said, "you're a homicidal, hall-walking _muggle_?"

"Er…no…?" said the unpleasant, hooded character. 

Draco stared at him levelly for awhile, before saying, "Why don't you just leave?"

"I suppose I could." By now the maniac's shoulders were rather slumped. 

"Oh," said Harry sympathetically, "you've made him sad. Maybe we should let him stay."

"Are you crazy?" Draco asked. "He's trying to kill us."

"Yes," Harry agreed, "but look how cute he is."

"I'm not cute!" said the Hall-Walker.

Draco laughed and said, "Perhaps I should go to class. Should I, Harry? I have no idea what time of day it is."

"Don't look at me," said Harry. "I don't know either."

"You're completely useless, do you know that?" Draco said exasperatedly.

Harry glared at him.

The Homicidal Hall-Walker began to feel uncomfortable and said, "I'd best be going."

Harry and Draco agreed that he should. 

"But I warn you…" the crazed misanthrope continued, "I'll be back and my vengeance will be disturbing in its intensity!" With that, he stumbled out the door, narrowly missing a lamp. 

Draco rolled his eyes and began to comb his hair. Harry began to stare blankly into space. "Harry, if you're going to stand around, you could at least find something productive to do while you're at it."

"Where did that comb come from?" asked Harry.

"What a stupid question," Draco observed.

Harry sighed angrily, "Why am I always around you?" 

"How should I know?" Draco asked, "I mean, I know why I'm always around myself. It's because I'm so charming, gorgeous and generally fabulous, but you…. You've never appreciated me. Perhaps now you see how wonderful I am?"

Harry considered answering this, but quickly decided against it and went, instead, to find Ron and Hermione. 

Draco went back to combing his hair, but was interrupted by the sudden arrival of Crabbe and Goyle. "What do you want?" he asked irritably. 

"Where's your _boyfriend_, Harry?" asked Crabbe, with what he thought was amazing subtlety. 

"He's not my boyfriend," said Draco calmly. "What do you want, anyway?"

"If he's not your boyfriend then why's he always around you?" asked the burly Crabbe.

"One: he's not here now, is he? And two: you and Goyle make it a point to follow me around wherever I go as well. How can I help it if I have such magnetism?" 

This confused the two henchmen.

"Well?" asked Draco.

"Well what?" asked Crabbe or Goyle.

"What do you want?" 

"Umm, I forgot," said…oh let's say…Goyle. 

Draco sighed and gestured for the two ignoramuses to exit with a flick of his delightfully thin wrist. When they were gone he decided to experiment with eyeliner for awhile. He enjoyed it for quite some time, but after about six hours, it became astoundingly boring. In order to counter the effects of the boredom, he began to contemplate the meaninglessness of life. "Good God," he murmured, "life is so meaningless." 

Just then Snape walked in, saying, "Life is only meaningless if you don't do anything that means something."

Draco looked at the Potions professor as if he had just walked in carrying a basketball. 

"In a candy cane," the greasy haired man finished with a crazy grin.

"That's more like it," said Draco. "I've gotten rather used to you being completely off your gourd these past few months."

"If you'll excuse me," said Snape coldly, "I have some kangaroos to attend to in the lavatory."

Draco chuckled and then shuddered and went back to his contemplation. Soon he was insanely bored. 'Hmm,' he thought, 'maybe I should try slicking back my hair.' Then he realized what an insanely horrible idea that was; as slicked back hair really doesn't look nice on anyone. 

Meanwhile, Snape was having a similar problem. He sort of wanted to make himself pretty but wasn't sure how to go about it. 'Maybe I should wash my hair,' he thought, 'no…I don't want to open _that_ can of worms. I know! I'll start with some lipstick!' He began to apply lipstick to his horrifically thin lips. He soon realized, however, the unfortunate fact that his lips were so thin that any lipstick he put on would be invisible to everyone. "Drat!" he muttered angrily, as he began to paint on artificial lips.

At that inopportune moment, Draco happened to stumble into Snape's room. "Good Lord!" he said. "What's wrong with you, Professor?"

"I'm pretty!" said the man with hair like a mechanic's rag. 

Draco sighed and shook his head sadly. "Oh, how unbelievably sad," he said. "Have you looked in a mirror?"

"No. Why? Do you think I should?"

"That's a hard question to answer," said the blonde with the _un-slicked_ hair. "On one hand…there's a slight chance you might die if you do. But, on the other hand, if you don't, you won't realize how astoundingly horrid you look."

Snape appeared to think it over and then said, "Oh wait, I have looked in the mirror. Otherwise, the part where I was putting on makeup wouldn't make any sense."

"And you didn't attempt to take your own life?" Draco gasped. 

"No, should I have?"

Draco rolled his eyes, "You're incredibly incompetent. If you had any sense, whatsoever, I would have found you in a bloody, lifeless heap," and with that, he swept out of the room. A moment later he popped back in, "Oh," he said, "I almost forgot why I came. I need an extension on the paper that's due tomorrow."

"Get out!" Snape shrieked. 

"Fine," said Draco petulantly. "See if I ever come to you for help again."

"Good! I will!" Snape replied pitifully. 

Draco rolled his eyes and left. Soon he found himself in class. "Class?" he muttered. "What am I—oh, right—I'm in school."


End file.
